It’s trite, but it is what it is.

Wiktionary for “It is what it is”: This circumstance is simply a fact and must be accepted or dealt with as it exists.

I like to tell myself that we can’t control anything about life except the way we react, and sometimes not even then. How we deal with things that happen to us, our reactions, are really the only pieces of life that are directly under our influence. We can’t choose the way we feel like anger, sadness, jealousy… we simply feel them. We can choose how we act upon those feelings however, whether we reach out and call someone or yell at someone. In my LSAT class we  are learning all about taking control of the test by making key decisions to skip a question or taking control of a logic game. Well, apply that to life and it’s a good habit to choose your actions to take control of your life. When M left me, I was devastated for sure, that was something I felt, and I couldn’t help. But I could have helped the fact that I begged him for hours, sobbing, on the phone to take me back. Being denied that many times in one conversation sure did something to me. It made me feel even worse. But I could have just as easily accepted his decision, it is what it is, and cried to myself and with my friends, and while I would have felt terrible, I probably wouldn’t have felt as pathetic as I did after begging. It’s just hard sometimes to remember we have a choice in these things. I wrote a long email to my ex, the details of which I will not ever reveal, and instead of sending it, I saved it. Today I deleted that saved email because I choose to take control of my own life, and not let someone else control it. Sure I’m sad, loss is sad. But I’m not so devastated I’m going to let him or those emotions get the best of me. I’m going to choose to be stronger than that and take the road not traveled this time. Every guy that has broken up with me I have worked so hard at getting back with. It’s as if that became my only goal in life: getting. them. back. With B, it worked for 5 years! I had it perfected man! With M it worked for awhile, and several others. But I’m not about that anymore. I’m taking the Fury approach: one chance, then goodbye. We don’t need people in our lives who choose to treat us a certain way, and even if that way is a respectful detachment, it’s a detachment none-the-less, and we can all do better than that. Just like we have choices, the others we encounter have choices too, and even though it may hurt to think about, they chose to not want you in their life. Now this could be anything, from a child, to a friendship or a relationship. We can’t control others’ choices, we can barely even influence them. We may be able to convince them to do or not do something a few times, but ultimately, what they believe/want/need will win out every time. All we can do is repeat to ourselves “it is what it is” and move on. Dwelling is the enemy of happiness. I think every situation requires some reflection, yes, don’t get me wrong. But there is a difference between that and dwelling. Reflect, then move on. To dwell on something we can’t control… that is going to be the ultimate waste of happiness, energy, time and life. And no self respecting person will waste these precious things for someone else and their decision. If the other party one day decides to come around again and changes their mind about things, so be it. You can’t control that, but you can control on whether or not you will accept them back into your life. This has happened to me with several of my long time friends. Shit happens, and we all get mad at eachother sometimes. We lose touch, and time and time again I’ve made the decision to of course let that friend back into my life. And everytime it has been the right decision. Obviously, the situations get stickier and stickier the more deeply the people are involved, like in relationships, marriages, or parents. But until that moment happens, or it may never come, I refuse to dwell on it and I choose to live my life for me, making my own happiness and choosing my own actions over the things I can’t control that happen to me. And honestly, when viewed that way, it is so empowering. You’re effectively choosing against being a victim, and thus becoming a survivor. It’s huge! And it’s something I personally wish I could follow more than I do, but I’m glad that I am getting better at recognizing this pattern of thinking and stopping it in it’s tracks.

One response »

  1. Pingback: Dating Adventures from a Mom « Twentysomething Life

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