Can’t we just be friends?

DISCLAIMER: This post is not in regard to any one person or situation in particular. It’s based 99% on generalities and my usual babbling, and 1% of actual truth.

I guess there is a fine line with being a guy’s friend. Especially if you have a history with them. But what’s sad is when their insecure girlfriends become jealous or uncomfortable with you when they have no reason or no proof of any wrongdoing. Trust me, of all people on this planet, I am probably the MOST guilty person of this. With some of my exes, I was VERY, IMMENSELY jealous of their gal friends and exes. Some of which I had good reason, some of which I didn’t. This must be one of the first times in my life where I am single and all my “guy friends” have girlfriends, because I am suddenly noticing this trend increasing.

It actually depresses me when I hear that a girlfriend is uncomfortable with me. First of all, since I’ve been there, I would never do that to another woman. Now the me of the past might have done something so awfully selfish, but the things I have experienced in the past year or so have changed my perspective and thus my actions. I have had several chances to hook up with a guy who had a girlfriend, so commit to a shady act with someone who was taken, yet everytime I have turned them down. Yes, I do it because it’s the right thing to do, but mostly I’ve done it because that’s not a very satisfying relationship for ME, and that’s ultimately what I’m looking for. Hooking up or flirting with a man who is otherwise taken in some aspect only creates drama, and I’ve finally come to a place in my life where I don’t want that, I don’t need that, and I can FINALLY see it coming, so I simply just don’t go there.

But what makes me sad is I genuinely hate not being friends with those I’ve been close to; boys and girls. I’m a tough person to understand and “get”, and once someone accepts me for who I am and actually likes me for it, well, I try to hold onto that person for dear life! And these other women, these other insecure women, they destroy that for me. And I get it, I really do. But honestly, I’ve learned in life that you really can use all the support you can get from friends. I’ve gone through some very rough spots of life, and what has saved me over and over hasn’t been church, or god, or drugs or alcohol, its been my friends. And right now I’m in one of those spots, where I need my friends, I need their love and support.

Maybe I’m the one being selfish here, and not them. Sure, I can see it that way. I need their friendship and support, and they need a secure relationship. Ultimately, I guess love wins over friendship. And it’s sad that it typically has to be an either/or situation. I’ve cut down my friends a lot in the past few months, deciding that the drama of keeping their friendships just isn’t worth the benefits. And again, I find myself making that choice. It’s just WAY too exhausting for me anyways, to have to deal with it all. Having to watch what you say because you don’t want to offend anyone or hurt anyone’s feelings. Not looking at someone in the eye when they’re talking too long or else it’s deemed as flirting. Making sure certain people are present when you want to just go out with your friends (i.e. It’s okay to go out with Lizzy as long as X, Y, AND Z are present, but not just X, and NEVER just Lizzy). It’s like a fucking math equation. Honestly, I can’t predict if what I say or do (within reason) is going to offend anyone. And I don’t want to. Yes, I’ll be empathic if I do hurt someone’s feelings, but I don’t see any empathy coming the other way, there’s no empathy for me. I’m just the evil ex. Period.

I’m not mad though, I’ll just call it karma and say now we’re even.

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