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New Rule: Get Naked

Figuratively that is. Although literally may help.

We hear a lot of talk in magazines and online and in TV shows about “vulnerability” and “exposing your soul”. Or maybe I’ve just been watching too much of The Bachelor. But it’s hard to tell what the hell that really means. Does it mean to confess your love on the first date? Does it mean to discuss your every want and need in detail? What does being “open” to love entail?

These are all really good questions, and since I’m not cupid or Chris Harrison I have no clue what the answers are. But I do think that a good analogy is to get naked… On the inside. Think of how vulnerable you feel the first time you take off your clothes with someone new. Even the most confident of people will have the fleeting “what if he doesn’t like my chest” thoughts. Translating this to our feelings and our inside is a bit more difficult than just taking off clothes. Although with an inexperienced man, skinny jeans are a really big challenge.

I think that one part of becoming vulernable and exposing yourself is just going for it. Hitting on someone you are attracted to even if you are scared of failing. I have had plenty of men who aren’t interested in me. ESPECIALLY since I’ve been pregnant. Although lately I’ve broken my own advice by not exposing myself, and not having the confidence to go for it. Pregnancy totally threw off my game! I’ve flirted, joke-flirted, and been friendly with guys, but I haven’t hit on a single guy since I’ve been expecting. And you’d know if I hit on you. In fact, here are the most popular signs that you’ve been hit on by Lizzy:

1. We’re making out right now.

2. We’re vacationing in Mexico with your family only weeks after meeting.

3. We’re in love.

4. Your friends have said they haven’t seen you this way with a girl in a long time.

5. We’re texting about 800 times a day.

6. There is a twitpic of us with the caption “H-O-T”

7. There is a blog about love instead of hating men.

8. We’re living together.

9. We’re engaged.

10. I’ve already moved on to your best friend.

Okay, that last one only happened once. And the rest are so true. Yes, those things have actually happened, and on the occasions they happened, they occurred in under 2 months. Some in under a month. Anyways, the point is, when I hit on men, I’m fairly successful. At getting them at least… keeping them is obviously a different problem. The closest I’ve come to hitting on a guy is emailing him a very provocative question, as a joke. Mostly a joke. But he asked for questions and I decided to go for it. But I didn’t go for it. And that is NOT exposing myself.

I honestly don’t know why I’m so scared. Maybe it’s because I’ve been hurt a lot in the past few years, been let down and dissapointed by men. Maybe it’s because I’m too terrified of my own future to even think about including anyone else in it. Part of me does think I am damaged or defective goods. And when your confidence is at an all time low, it becomes harder to just go for it with men. So you don’t. And men don’t hit on me, so then it just compounds over and over. “I eat because I’m depressed and I’m depressed because I eat”. It’s a vicious cycle!!!

So how do you break out of it? How do I? Well… I guess every day just needs to be a constant conversation to just get naked. Once you’re out there, exposed & vulnerable, who cares what happens next. What’s more important is that you’re doing it and what’s less important is whether or not you actually get the guy. Occasionally I feel silly or dumb that I psuedo-tried to hit on that guy. I should have just gone for it. But I live with no regrets, and it’s a reminder that next time I need to just suit up. I talk so much about “owning it” and “it is what it is” and “who gives a f*ck” yet I fail to follow my own advice. And if it takes feeling dumb or silly to remind you that you need to go further, then laugh at yourself, dust off, and get naked… Fully.

We all experience terrible things in life. Bad people, horrible memories, devastating moments. And, for the most part, we all get through them. We survive, spend time mourning or in anger, and eventually, one day, you move on. You get over it. You feel better. Life continues and you realize the whole world didn’t revolve around whatever it was that brought everything crashing down. And it’s amazing. You learn your lesson, you come out stronger on the other side. Afterall, hindsight is 20/20, and without these mistakes or heartbreaks or whatevers, we can’t grow as a person.

What one doesn’t expect, however, is when these mistakes you made, or problems you survived through get thrown back in your face by those who barely even know you. Cause someone who does really know you would know never to do such a thing. They would know how painful of a time it was that you went through, and they would be able to see the growth that you have made since your world crashed. It’s only the truly ignorant that take something they heard, or they think they understand and use it against you in some current situation. But beyond that, it’s only the truly fucked up that take something you tell them in confidence, as a friend or lover or family member, and take it and use it against you. Question your integrity, accuse you of ulterior motives based on past events.

To me, for what I have been through, especially recently with my life, someone doing this to me is utterly unforgivable. There are already enough events that are uncontrollable happening to me, to all of us, we don’t need people around who choose to cause you chaos. Who choose to accuse you of things. Who choose to bring up something in your past and rub it in your face. It’s truly amazing to me that some people are just that horrible. Just that plain mean. I like to think that all people are good, or want to be good, or are inherently good. But more and more life makes you skeptical. Of good, people, love, I mean, everything. More and more I do believe what I got tattooed on my right arm, “If I am not for myself, who will be for me?” I am really the only one that stands for myself, and is there for myself. I have to stick up and be for me, because that is the only person I can rely on to do so. I suppose in these situations, you just have to take what others do and say in stride, and ultimately do what is best for your own person. Afterall, I guess the only person you have to live with at the end of the day is you.

The Postal Service

“Give Up”

This album reminds me of a cold December night, at home, alone, depressed, with a glass of wine and the smell of pine in the air. It makes me feel cozy, alone, and sad all at once. Especially the opening track “The District Sleeps Alone Tonight”, which is about being lonely and out of place in a foreign city, makes me feel like if I were to leave this place, how alone I would feel. I love the line, “well I was the one worth leaving”. Makes me feel like I do right after a breakup. Just shitty. But I love this album. I’m usually in love with the summer time, but right now I just want it to be winter. I want to put on some cozy slippers, sweats, and a big sweater, cuddled under a soft blanket in the dark surrounded by lit candles sipping on some Cab or Pinot. It makes me miss my puppy, who always cuddled with me under the blanket. It’s the perfect album to fall asleep to when you’re feeling down.

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