Tag Archives: Humor

I call BULLSH*T!

Recently, my bestie did a blog where she asked 10 males from all walks of life (different ages, beliefs, experiences, and relationship statuses) 10 questions all of us ladies have always wanted to know, to get their honest answers once and for all. See it here.

Now going through this… all I have to say (which I said out loud quite a few times actually) is BULLSH*T!!! Let’s break it down question by questions….

Question #1: “What do you look for in a girlfriend?”

Most guys’ answers: Be yourself and a good personality.

What I really think they mean: Someone who will never deny me sex and who will let me spend as much time as I want with my friends… without them.

Why are they telling us what we want to hear? Guys don’t really want a woman who will just (waaahh) be themselves and cuddle on the couch. Pla-ease. They want a chick who isn’t jealous, doesn’t expect romance, won’t nag them, doesn’t mind falling in the toilet… etc. That’s the real answer. Blair is the only one I think is being remotely honest, and he says, “Let me drink beer and smoke weed every day.”

 

Question #2: “What matters most, looks or personality?”

Most guys’ answers: Personality.

What I really think they mean: Doesn’t matter as long as she has sex with me on a consistent basis.

Hot, stupid, smart, average-looking… doesn’t matter how you look or how awesome you are, he will leave you or worse (cheat) if he isn’t getting any.

 

Question #3: Do guys what “girly” girls or “chill” girls?

Most guys’ answers: Chill girls who are hot.

What I really think they mean: Girly.

I guess it comes down to how you really define these terms. So I pose the question to you men, when you hear “girly”, what does that mean to you? I assume most guys think “high-maintenence”. But what the hell does that even mean??? I don’t think men really know what they’re getting themselves into if they don’t want a high-maintenence girl… Do you really want a woman who can keep her razor fresh for 2-3 months? We all love a girl who can go out without makeup, but do you really want a woman who honestly never wears ANY makeup. Or brushes her hair. Or owns heels? There is a reason why Playboy exists… no one has a fantasy of a chic with messy hair, un-plucked eyebrows, a ‘stach (we all have em… and we all pluck/wax em). And let’s not even mention the down-there situation.

Sure a girl who drinks beer and owns a Football jersey (or 7) is H-O-T… but can she burp hot sauce in your face and rip one too? I don’t truly think men know what they’re getting themselves into with this answer…

 

Question #4: Basically… how do you hit on a girl? (my synopsis of the question)

Most guys’ answers: Blah blah blah… I buy her a drink, yada yada yada, I look in her eyes, BS BS BS, I talk to her.

What I really think they mean: Men don’t hit on women. EVER!

Or maybe it’s just me… men don’t hit on me. EVER. Seriously. Now, I think I’m a catch. I’m cute enough. I dress coordinated (mostly). Most days I brush my hair. But the last x amount of men I’ve dated was because I HIT ON THEM! I can’t remember the last boyfriend I’ve had who hit on me first. One guy I dated I even had to send him my number via facebook TWICE. Yes, twice, because he deleted my number the 1st time! How rude!! Maybe it’s a vibe I’m sending out (desperation). Maybe they realize how amazing I am and are intimidated (I wish!!) I have no clue. But it sucks! Hit on me, please! It would make my night!

 

Question #5: “Is it ok for women to ask the guy out and/or make the first move?”

Most guys’ answers: Almost unequivocally YES.

What I really think they mean: YES.

Okay, guys are lazy and guys are insecure so the best solution to this one is have the women do the work! Then they don’t have to put anything out there, and they know they have it in the bag… I see what y’all are doing here and I call your bluff… I’ve had a standing order for awhile now. I’m no longer hitting on men at all or making the first move. See above for how that’s working out for me (it isn’t).

 

Qustion #6: a favorite… “Does a guy lose respect for a girl if she sleeps with him on the first night?”

Most guys’ answers: Some weird combination of (paraphrase) “I won’t lose respect for you but you’re no longer girlfriend material”. Mmmkay, whatever that means…

What I really think they mean: I’ll say what you want to hear so you’ll have sex with me, then I won’t date you. And I’ll tell all my friends how easy you were. Sucker.

Guys are evil. Seriously. Guys are all: “women empowerment! have sex when ever you want! with whoever you want!” Then they’re like: “sluts”. Then they’re like: “yeah baby I like you so much, wanna stay over? I feel like I know you so well already even though it’s only been 1 date.” Then they’re like: “I’m too busy for a relationship.” what. the. hell. I honestly don’t think a man will ever tell a women NOT to have sex with them on the first night because it would be breaking some sort of unspoken man-code. From now on, I’m going with the fictional J-Lo book from HIMYM of no sex until 17 dates. And maybe not even then.

 

Question #7: What does it really mean when a guy tells you “I don’t have time for a girlfriend/relationship”?

Most guys’ answers: He’s just not that into you.

What I think they really mean: He’s just not that into you.

Why can’t they just be that honest from the get-go? No matter how “empowered” women say they are, to 99% of us sex=relationship. Stop having sex with us if you don’t want a relationship. PERIOD. Seriously, no matter what we tell you. We’re lying. Just like you’re lying when you say you’re too busy (you’re not) or the worst one, “you wouldn’t want to date me because of ________ (insert ridiculous situation)”. Ummm, yes we would want to date you even though you’re broke and unemployed because we’re WOMEN and we had sex with you. And now we’re in love. G. Rowden puts it best when he says, “If the guy truly cares about the girl, he will make time for her, no matter what.” Thank you sir.

 

Question #8: How long until our relationship is official? (my summary of the question)

Most guys’ answers: No official amount of time, it should be something that is “communicated”.

What I really think they mean: Official? Oh, I don’t have time for a girlfriend. Thanks for all the sex though.

Seriously, most guys RUN when the official word is brought into play. The needs-to-be-retired line comes to mind: “Why do we have to put a title on this baby? Can’t *you* just go with the flow?” Ugh, and they always make it a way to pin *you* as crazy!!! Ladies, it is perfectly ok and normal to want a commitment. Don’t ever let a man make you feel crazy for wanting it laid out. Sure, it may just be a word (boyfriend), but with it comes peace of mind and responsibility… that’s what they’re really trying to get out of.

 

Question #9: “Does commitment scare you?”

Most guys’ answers: No.

What I really think they mean: YES. Dear God YES.

The amount of men getting married later on in life and the less amount of men marrying early in life, coupled with the divorce rates and the amount of single mothers out there proves that men are afraid of commitment, and are not sticking things through. Relationships are HARD. They’re work, and it’s not always going to be sunshine and butterflies. Some days are going to be downright awful, where you hate the other person and can’t even look at them. I always say love is what exists after the fluttery feeling floats away. It’s the respect, the friendship. I was living with a guy at one point who still couldn’t even talk about getting married. I have a kid with a guy who says he doesn’t want commitment (a KID!). I don’t think there’s a bigger commitment than that. There’s a book out there by someone that talks about “Guyland”, and I fully agree. Most guys under 30 (and some in their 30’s) still live in Guyland. Guyland is like extended college/frat years. They still have roommates, they still drink to get drunk, they still hook up with women randomly, they still set out time for video games, they are still “working” on their career. They rely on their parents or roommates for financial help, and they defer REAL responsibility as long as possibly. Guys in Guyland don’t want relationships. And sadly, most guys I know of in our age bracket are in Guyland. And they don’t graduate from it until their 30’s.

*sidenote* where do I meet 30 year olds?!

 

Question #10: “What’s more important- success or love?”

Most guys’ answers: 6 love-3 success-1 unsure

What I really think they mean: Themselves.

 

Okay…. so maaaaaybe I’m slightly bitter. I’m sure a few of those guys meant a few of those answers. But the facts are the facts. My commentary is based soley on my experiences and the experiences of my friends. If most men really thought what these 10 men answered, I don’t think us women would be so scornful, or crazy. Trust me though, I want to be proven wrong.

 

 

 

 

*I’m being like 98% sarcastic and 2% real. Or maybe it’s 2% sarcastic and 98% real. Either way, don’t take me too seriously, I don’t!*

How I met your father

Damn, it’s scary how a time frame of 6 months can change your entire life and it’s path. There’s an episode of How I Met Your Mother where Ted, the narrator and main character of the show, talks about how his life might have been completely different if he had gone right instead of left one day. And it really is that simple. When I tell my daughter the story of how I met her father, and how quickly my entire plan changed, it will come down to just a few minute tiny decisions.

The night I met Nick was about 6 months ago on Cristina’s birthday weekend. We were actually wearing shirts from the TV show that said “Have you met Lizzy?” and “Have you met Cristina?” Cris decided that we would start at PB bar and grill and then bar hop from there. Except we never left PB bar and grill. A long ago friend had recently been in touch again, James, and I knew he lived in PB. I texted him the night we were out to see if maybe we would end up at the same bar. Literally, as we were on our way out to go to Moondoggies, James texted me saying he was at PB bar and grill. So I took the opportunity to see him, and that’s one reason I met Nick. If he had texted me 5 minutes later, we would have been gone already, not looking back. I would have never met Nick, and wouldn’t be pregnant right now with my first child.

The night of Cris’ birthday, her friends and I decided that we would play a little game with her… more like for her. If we (the friends) decided that a guy was a 8 or higher on the hotness scale, then she had to either hit on him or take a shot. It’s a win-win… she gets her flirt on, or gets wasted. Well, Nick happened to be the first guy we all came across and agreed upon, and Cristina quickly passed for the shot. If we hadn’t made up that game, or if Cristina had decided to get her flirt on, things would have been so different.

There were several of James’ hot friends at the bar that night. Nick happened to be the first one we met due to the game we were playing, but there were several others I was certainly into and attracted to. Nick or someone else told me that one of the guys happened to be gay, even though he wasn’t. If they hadn’t jokingly told me that… I may have ended up with a completely different person, and thus a different path.

I was also seeing several men the night of Cristina’s birthday, and one of them was invited to come out with us. He ended up getting off of work later than expected, and had to pick up a friend to come with him. And since they lived rather far from PB, by the time they arrived, it was already a shit show, and Nick and I had already been flirting. If that guy had gotten our of work on time, maybe took 3 less deliveries, he may have shown up before I met any other guys, and thus I would’ve been flirting with him all night, and never would have been interested in Nick.

There’s a slew of reasons how we happened to meet, and what ended up with me being pregnant and will end up with a beautiful baby girl. But it’s truly insane to look back and say only 6 months can alter something so drastically and so permanently. All of the factors were so little, yet they added up to this extraordinary event. Hindsight is 20/20 and when we’re in a sad or stressful moment it is hard to imagine a totally different life in a year from now, or 6 months, or 5 years. But it does happen. As stressed as I may be right now, I know that in x amount of time, however long or short it takes, things will be different. I would have never ever ever guessed back then that all that alcohol and embarrassment would result in the most important thing of my life coming about. Life or God or whomever you would like to call it has a weird way of working for sure. Whether or not free will exists, the path life takes us on is the most confusing, messed up journey we could imagine, and one we would never hope for, but also one we would never take back for the life of us. The past year of my life has been so crazy and tragic and happy and insane that I simply have no clue what the future will bring, what it even could bring. I never thought I’d be having a baby this soon, yet here she is in my belly. I never thought it would take me this long to complete my post-grad education and law school, yet here I am, 4 years after getting my BA, about to start law school all over. It’s all one big miracle, that we get anything accomplished at all. The next 6 months should be one for the books, that’s for sure. And I can’t wait for the big reveal.

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