New Rule

Rule #8: Don’t date someone you need to change

 

This should be a pretty easy one that I shouldn’t need to talk about or tell you about. However, I am oh so guilty of it myself, and my forced sobriety has shed much perspective on the subject, so I thought I’d share my insight.

 

I’m openly against smoking marijuana and cigarettes. However, in my past I’ve dated a pothead and a guy who dips tobacco, mixed in with the “social smoker” and the cigar aficionado. And in almost every case, I knew about their habits when I began dating them. And then I continued to date them, choosing to nag instead of leave. Apparently I’m pretty convincing because in most cases, nagging worked. It does work women of the world, but not without a price, and that price is resentment. As in the man ended up resenting me for “controlling” his life and instead of quitting, decides to do it behind my back. This is the consequence of resentment, and it is something I have learned and know now.

After watching my Mom get diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer and being given a 5% chance of living, I now have a steadfast, unbreakable rule that may as well be written out in blood: I WILL NEVER DATE A SMOKER, OR DRUG USER, OF ANY KIND. This includes social smoking and cigar smoking. At least cigar smoking in front of me. My most recent ex asked me if he could smoke a cigar while my mom was going through chemotherapy. Talk about a jackass move. I don’t care if it’s illogical, or in California, improbable. It’s my rule, and I will never date someone again who smokes, because I will inevitably nag them to quit because I hate it, and they will inevitably come to resent me for it… and it never ends well. People constantly ask me why I hate weed and won’t date or be around smokers, and I always tell them that I don’t need a logical reason, or any reason at all. It’s how I feel and I know my own limits, which I wish people knew more of in dating.For me, it’s a complete and utter deal breaker. If I had this rule back when I was 19 it would have saved me A LOT of heartache and even more fighting. But alas, I learned it at 26: Don’t date someone who you need to change.

 

When I picture my life with my fiance or husband or serious boyfriend, I can tell you one thing: It doesn’t involve a lot of alcohol. Contrary to what you can see in my facebook pictures, I prefer to be boring over crazy. Domesticated over alcoholic. When I say “settle down” with someone, I mean it literally: SETTLE DOWN. As in whoa boy, pull in the reins. This is the lesson that I have reflected upon more clearly as of late. I think about my last 2 relationships and the last 2 years and literally every guy I dated and those 2 relationships were completely and totally revolved around alcohol. It was like I was in an open relationship, it was me, him, and the booze. When I was single, I was in party mode, 24/7. And the guys I met probably, and logically, assumed that was “me”, that was who I am: party girl Lizzy, the crazy, spontaneous one. And I’ve sure had my moments… like going to Mexico after knowing a guy for only 2 weeks with no passport for 4 days. And those were the best 4 days spent with a guy. Full of romance, and spontaneity. We danced in the middle of the street, slow danced outside of a restaurant, frolicked on the beach, and stayed up all night talking and asking each other questions. And dating was full of even more spontaneity: more random dancing, streaking, taking risks and experiencing new things all around. But that’s never what I wanted for my life, for the long-run. Like I said, settling down with someone means settling down. As the relationship progressed, what I truly wanted came out, and that was a nice home life, watching movies, cooking dinner together, sprinkled with spontaneity, not all that craziness as the main course.

 

But what I’ve learned over these past few months is this, I can’t date a wild and crazy guy and then expect him to want to settle down as soon as were in a relationship. Don’t date someone you need to change. The fact is, if you’re dating a partier, it is highly unlikely that is going to change just because he now calls you his girlfriend. He is still going to want to have crazy ass guys nights where he doesn’t remember how he got home. He is still going to expect you to dance on the sidewalk just because. He will be puzzled when you’re upset that he wants to get drunk on a Tuesday night. This happened with my ex-fiance too. When we were dating, things were crazy fun, the same story. As soon as we got engaged, I fully expected to settle down, turn into my parents: boring but happy home life. He didn’t. We fought a lot over this before it ended. Looking back I realize now it wasn’t all his fault (it never is), a huge part of it was my unspoken, unrealized expectation that he didn’t share in. Why? Because you don’t date someone you need to change.

 

I say to you men who want to settle down with a woman but can’t find themselves meeting one worth settling down with is this: Be the man you want to be after you have the girl. But be him now. Because personally, that is what I am looking for from now on. You have to take a good hard look at your wants and needs from a partner, and where you see yourself, where you really see yourself. And then you have to meet those wants and needs to the man. Not mold any man to your wants and needs, that is what has been my problem. Now I have a new set of standards, starting with no smoking, but going further than that. If a man’s life is revolving around drinking and bars and hangovers, then he isn’t the right guy for me, and I will not date you. No matter how much I think I like you, or how hot you may be, or how lonely I am. And here is the real kicker: Words don’t mean shit. Don’t listen to a guy that says “this isn’t me” or “I only party when I’m single” or whatever excuse he comes up with. The truth is, men will say anything to get a woman into bed. Or even if they believe, truly believe, that the image isn’t the real them, just remember: actions speak louder than words. If he is partying every night, it is him. No matter how much he tries to deny it or say he’s ready to settle down. The only guy who is ready to settle down is the one that IS settled down.

 

The same logic applies to all aspects of a guy you want to date. If he says he wants to go to school, that is a lot different from a guy who is actually going to school. Don’t date a guy you need to change. If you want a guy who is motivated and will bring success to himself, you have to find a guy who is motivated and bringing success to himself, or at least trying. NOT one who is talking about it. If you want to date a man who doesn’t mind kids, then find a guy who is comfortable around kids, not one who says he is okay with children, but then freaks out when 6 of them are running crazy during a party or who refuses to go with you to a birthday party. It’s a tough conversation to have, but if you’re sleeping with someone, you need to know how they feel about children, because there is always a chance of getting pregnant. Trust me. When I first brought up getting pregnant by accident to my baby’s father, he flipped. Literally flipped out. Lo and behold, several weeks later, I was actually accidentally pregnant. Whoops. And you all know what happened there: he flipped. If you want a guy who wants to be a father, then you need to date a guy who is okay with having kids NOW. Not one who talks about it as some vague alien universe that may or may not exist in the future. The truth is, if he can’t talk about it now, he isn’t even close to being ready. And if you are, well, don’t date someone you need to change.

 

And by the way, the logic that if a guy can’t talk about something calmly and rationally right now means he isn’t ready for it totally stands true. If you’re at a point in your life where certain things are really important to you, and the man you’re dating can’t talk about those things, then it’s not going to work. Don’t date someone you need to change.

 

Date someone who already is ______. Whatever wants and needs and must-haves are on your list.

 

 

 

 

Team Legendhairy Team Leader of Fox News!

Team Legendhairy Team Leader Nate Muzquiz and participant Oscar Lopez featured with cancer survivors at Nate’s house for a Fox News piece on Movember!

Watch Here: http://www.sandiego6.com/mediacenter/local.aspx?articleID=868784

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How I met your father

Damn, it’s scary how a time frame of 6 months can change your entire life and it’s path. There’s an episode of How I Met Your Mother where Ted, the narrator and main character of the show, talks about how his life might have been completely different if he had gone right instead of left one day. And it really is that simple. When I tell my daughter the story of how I met her father, and how quickly my entire plan changed, it will come down to just a few minute tiny decisions.

The night I met Nick was about 6 months ago on Cristina’s birthday weekend. We were actually wearing shirts from the TV show that said “Have you met Lizzy?” and “Have you met Cristina?” Cris decided that we would start at PB bar and grill and then bar hop from there. Except we never left PB bar and grill. A long ago friend had recently been in touch again, James, and I knew he lived in PB. I texted him the night we were out to see if maybe we would end up at the same bar. Literally, as we were on our way out to go to Moondoggies, James texted me saying he was at PB bar and grill. So I took the opportunity to see him, and that’s one reason I met Nick. If he had texted me 5 minutes later, we would have been gone already, not looking back. I would have never met Nick, and wouldn’t be pregnant right now with my first child.

The night of Cris’ birthday, her friends and I decided that we would play a little game with her… more like for her. If we (the friends) decided that a guy was a 8 or higher on the hotness scale, then she had to either hit on him or take a shot. It’s a win-win… she gets her flirt on, or gets wasted. Well, Nick happened to be the first guy we all came across and agreed upon, and Cristina quickly passed for the shot. If we hadn’t made up that game, or if Cristina had decided to get her flirt on, things would have been so different.

There were several of James’ hot friends at the bar that night. Nick happened to be the first one we met due to the game we were playing, but there were several others I was certainly into and attracted to. Nick or someone else told me that one of the guys happened to be gay, even though he wasn’t. If they hadn’t jokingly told me that… I may have ended up with a completely different person, and thus a different path.

I was also seeing several men the night of Cristina’s birthday, and one of them was invited to come out with us. He ended up getting off of work later than expected, and had to pick up a friend to come with him. And since they lived rather far from PB, by the time they arrived, it was already a shit show, and Nick and I had already been flirting. If that guy had gotten our of work on time, maybe took 3 less deliveries, he may have shown up before I met any other guys, and thus I would’ve been flirting with him all night, and never would have been interested in Nick.

There’s a slew of reasons how we happened to meet, and what ended up with me being pregnant and will end up with a beautiful baby girl. But it’s truly insane to look back and say only 6 months can alter something so drastically and so permanently. All of the factors were so little, yet they added up to this extraordinary event. Hindsight is 20/20 and when we’re in a sad or stressful moment it is hard to imagine a totally different life in a year from now, or 6 months, or 5 years. But it does happen. As stressed as I may be right now, I know that in x amount of time, however long or short it takes, things will be different. I would have never ever ever guessed back then that all that alcohol and embarrassment would result in the most important thing of my life coming about. Life or God or whomever you would like to call it has a weird way of working for sure. Whether or not free will exists, the path life takes us on is the most confusing, messed up journey we could imagine, and one we would never hope for, but also one we would never take back for the life of us. The past year of my life has been so crazy and tragic and happy and insane that I simply have no clue what the future will bring, what it even could bring. I never thought I’d be having a baby this soon, yet here she is in my belly. I never thought it would take me this long to complete my post-grad education and law school, yet here I am, 4 years after getting my BA, about to start law school all over. It’s all one big miracle, that we get anything accomplished at all. The next 6 months should be one for the books, that’s for sure. And I can’t wait for the big reveal.

Rule #4

Rule #4: Don’t Beg

Now we’ve all been there. Especially me. I’ve Definitely been there!! But as I grow up and learn, I also realize there is ABSOLUTELY NO REASON to ever beg a man to be with you. EVER. ever.

I googled “begging to be with someone” and this was the first thing to pop up:

“My boyfriend and I were together for a year. We were fighting a lot and I kinda knew the breakup was coming. Well it happened and he said, “I just don’t feel the same about you anymore.”

I’m still heartbroken over it. It’s been about 2 weeks, and I’ve begged him to come back and give me another chance but he just won’t. The reason we fought so much was because I was so jealous and clingy and sometimes controlling.

I understand what I was doing wrong, and I wrote him a long letter begging him to come back and I admitted all my wrongdoings, but it still wouldn’t work. And everybody says to act like it doesn’t bother me, act like I’m fine and happy when I’m around him and I do; I act happy and I act like my hyper self, and it kinda seemed to work a little, but I guess not because I saw him with another girl last night and I know he likes her.

Its killing me and I want him back SO badly…what do I do?”

Now just reading this does 2 things to me….1. It makes me sad for myself, since that’s how I used to be. I was pathetic! And 2. It makes me want to slap this girl across the face. I mean c’mon!! A guy is not the end all be all of life. No one should ever stoop this low to be with a man. I mean really?

And why would you want to? No person is so terrible or fat or ugly that there is not another single person on this planet who could possibly want them. So why in God’s (or whoever’s) name would you ever want to be with someone who didn’t want to be with you? I used to think that if someone didn’t want me it was because there was something wrong with *me*. But now I know different. Now I don’t give a fuck why that person doesn’t like me anymore. I’m not meant for every guy. That would be way to many guys in love with me. Not every guy needs to be “that into me”. So if a guy doesn’t call, or breaks up with me, or doesn’t ask me on a second date. Cool. He obviously wasn’t the one for me.

If you have that attitude then when it comes to dating and relationships, there should be NO reason to ever have to beg someone to ask you out again, ask them to take you back, or beg them not to leave you. Grow up, get a pair, and remember that as women, we have the upper hand. We have the boobs, which means we have the power. And usually (not a 100% guarantee or anything), but usually, once you adopt this attitude, the guy who left you comes running back. Its happened to me personally a number of times. And if he doesn’t? Oh well. You know what they say. Rule #5: The best way to get over someone is to get on top of someone else.

Rule #3

Rule #3: Always get A’s

I love talking to my bestie’s boyfriends/husbands. You always get this inside privileged info that I swear Man Council would ex-communicate them for telling. Tonights rendition of give away the secrets of Mars was more or less along the lines of what I’ve been talking about all along: he’s just not that into you. When I’m playing the field and/or dating casually, a list seems to unintentionally occur. And it’s a lot like a grading system. There are A’s, B’s, C’s…. etc. And I didn’t make this up either. I can not remember where I originally heard it from, but it is brilliance none-the-less.

The A’s are the guys you look forward to hearing from. They are the ones you almost always text back right away. You answer their call every time. If they ask you for plans, you make them. 2 weeks in advance. They are the Jolie-Pitts of your dating world, if the Jolie-Pitts invite you to dinner, god damn it, you accept, no questions asked. Like Lacey’s boyfriend Rick said, you’d have to have an almost ridiculously comedically impossible out-of-this-world excuse to say no. Like: “most random thing, a friend won passes to opening night of Twilight 3!!!!!” (nevermind the fact that it’s Twilight 3). BUT he made a good point, in the process of saying no for a VERY good reason, you make concrete rain-check plans, like: “how about we go see Shrek 4 this Friday instead?”. You ALWAYS lock down an A.

The B’s are the guys who you like to hear from, but for some reason or another aren’t currently as interested in as the A’s. However, it’s very easy to move from a B to an A. Sometimes you start as a B, and as the dates progress, you move to an A. Being a B isn’t necessarily something bad, it could be that there’s not enough of a connection yet. A B is the guy you make plans with during the week. The weekend is prime real estate, only the A’s get the weekend. But the B is also the back up plan. 11:00 rolls around and no A, text the B. During the week though is typically the B’s time. I’ll text a B back around 75% of the time. I’m interested, but sometimes you really have nothing important to say, and I don’t really care to continue the all-day text fest that the A’s get. But like I said, the B’s are in a good position. If a B treats you well, and follows through, he can become an easy A. However, if a guy your sort of into keeps blowing YOU off, he quickly moves down to a C.

The C’s are borderline. If you’ve ended up with a C, you’re either barely interesting enough, or you’ve annoyed me, or blown me off one too many times. Now don’t get me wrong. I’ve really liked some C’s. But a girl has got to have some pride in herself. There are certainly two distinct C’s, like I said. The most common type IMO is the ones that, like I said, you are really into, but they’re not so into you, and you’ve had enough. You’ve flirted, given your number, and even invited out a few times. Somehow they always turn you down while still managing to keep you on the string. During that time period, they are usually B’s to you. You don’t expect much, but you want to hear from them. But once the pride factor kicks in, a guy will almost always drop to a C. And I think it is because if a guy is doing this to YOU, then most likely you are a C to HIM!

Which brings me to my point: Ladies, we only want to be A’s… maaaaaaaybe a B. But if you’re to a point where you can def tell you’re becoming a C girl… That’s when you change the guy’s name in your phone to “don’t reply” and you tell him he’s blown you off one too many times and 1. you’re better than that, and 2. you don’t have time for that bullshit. And you walk away. Don’t stoop so low that you’re a C girl, or worse. I’m not so old fashioned that I don’t think you can’t hit on a guy or ask him out occasionally. But if his track record is 0-60%, sorry, but you’re a C. And dating is one area where we don’t need to be average. Whoever the guy is, he’s just not that into you, and you need to move on.