Tag Archives: Personals

Match and Me

Shortly after my ex and I broke up, I secretly entered the online dating world known as Match.com. Even more of a secret is that I paid for it. Yes, I paid. Even know I knew fully that one I wasn’t ready to really date anyone yet, and two, I was pregnant. I suppose 99% of the choice was to get an ego boost. Nothing makes you feel better then getting daily emails and “winks” from guys all over the country who comment on your cool profile or nice pictures.

At first I searched, and struck up some conversations with men that actually turned into texting conversations. But as those men found out (or came to reality with) the fact that I am pregnant, they dropped off and I don’t hear from them anymore. Although the panic I would feel each time one of them would text was rather terrifying… thinking they might actually want to take me out on a date or meet me in real life scared me. Like I said, I guess I just wasn’t ready. Plus I was paranoid about the ole baby belly sticking out, talk about awkward! I couldn’t imagine walking in for our first date or a coffee date or something looking 7 months pregnant… it would be SO weird, even for me, so probably MUCH more for the guy.

I did get some funny reactions emailed to me. I had one guy tell me pretty directly that I shouldn’t be on a site like this and I should wait until I have my baby to date. I actually got pretty offended by that! How dare he actually email a stranger on a dating site and tell her what to do! Thank god I’m not dating that guy anyways. Another man in Florida offered to marry me and fly me across the country to live with him! He even offered to take care of the baby too! What a deal huh?

One I got recently reads: “I was going to write, lets go get some beers and play some ghettopoly, but I guess that’s out. What do pregnant women do? Baby’s r us?” Pretty clever no? I sometimes wonder if these men are looking for the same thing I was: someone to talk to. Someone to notice them. I’m pretty positive none of them are actually interested in dating a pregnant chick, yet I get a lot of emails. Maybe I should straight up ask some of them to meet up for a date, and see their reaction then!

I have tried online dating before you know. Back in the summer before my freshman year at SDSU I signed up free for some match.com like service, and actually ended up friending a guy. We chatted through text and through AIM for about a month before we ever even met. Once we met we fell in love and were inseparable for about 9 months. He wasn’t T-H-E O-N-E, but we had a good run and we’re facebook friends to this day. So I wasn’t really nervous about signing up online again.

All in all I have yet to actually meet someone from this round. But I think it has more to do with the fact that I don’t NEED to meet someone. I’m actually very happy being single right now, and the guys I know in real life are actually a lot more receptive to me being a preggo hot girl then I had originally anticipated. I certainly don’t think I will be renewing my contract with match and I am somewhat embarrassed that I even did it to begin with. I guess when I got dumped while pregnant I just felt like a horrible disfigured monster. But the last few months have shown me otherwise, and there are some pretty amazing guys in the real world I have met and who have made me feel like the sexy woman I am again.

Can’t we just be friends?

DISCLAIMER: This post is not in regard to any one person or situation in particular. It’s based 99% on generalities and my usual babbling, and 1% of actual truth.

I guess there is a fine line with being a guy’s friend. Especially if you have a history with them. But what’s sad is when their insecure girlfriends become jealous or uncomfortable with you when they have no reason or no proof of any wrongdoing. Trust me, of all people on this planet, I am probably the MOST guilty person of this. With some of my exes, I was VERY, IMMENSELY jealous of their gal friends and exes. Some of which I had good reason, some of which I didn’t. This must be one of the first times in my life where I am single and all my “guy friends” have girlfriends, because I am suddenly noticing this trend increasing.

It actually depresses me when I hear that a girlfriend is uncomfortable with me. First of all, since I’ve been there, I would never do that to another woman. Now the me of the past might have done something so awfully selfish, but the things I have experienced in the past year or so have changed my perspective and thus my actions. I have had several chances to hook up with a guy who had a girlfriend, so commit to a shady act with someone who was taken, yet everytime I have turned them down. Yes, I do it because it’s the right thing to do, but mostly I’ve done it because that’s not a very satisfying relationship for ME, and that’s ultimately what I’m looking for. Hooking up or flirting with a man who is otherwise taken in some aspect only creates drama, and I’ve finally come to a place in my life where I don’t want that, I don’t need that, and I can FINALLY see it coming, so I simply just don’t go there.

But what makes me sad is I genuinely hate not being friends with those I’ve been close to; boys and girls. I’m a tough person to understand and “get”, and once someone accepts me for who I am and actually likes me for it, well, I try to hold onto that person for dear life! And these other women, these other insecure women, they destroy that for me. And I get it, I really do. But honestly, I’ve learned in life that you really can use all the support you can get from friends. I’ve gone through some very rough spots of life, and what has saved me over and over hasn’t been church, or god, or drugs or alcohol, its been my friends. And right now I’m in one of those spots, where I need my friends, I need their love and support.

Maybe I’m the one being selfish here, and not them. Sure, I can see it that way. I need their friendship and support, and they need a secure relationship. Ultimately, I guess love wins over friendship. And it’s sad that it typically has to be an either/or situation. I’ve cut down my friends a lot in the past few months, deciding that the drama of keeping their friendships just isn’t worth the benefits. And again, I find myself making that choice. It’s just WAY too exhausting for me anyways, to have to deal with it all. Having to watch what you say because you don’t want to offend anyone or hurt anyone’s feelings. Not looking at someone in the eye when they’re talking too long or else it’s deemed as flirting. Making sure certain people are present when you want to just go out with your friends (i.e. It’s okay to go out with Lizzy as long as X, Y, AND Z are present, but not just X, and NEVER just Lizzy). It’s like a fucking math equation. Honestly, I can’t predict if what I say or do (within reason) is going to offend anyone. And I don’t want to. Yes, I’ll be empathic if I do hurt someone’s feelings, but I don’t see any empathy coming the other way, there’s no empathy for me. I’m just the evil ex. Period.

I’m not mad though, I’ll just call it karma and say now we’re even.

Best places to meet men post-college

It’s hard navigating the post-college world of dating. In college, if you were in a frat or sorority, you were set, men and women just waiting to be asked out on dates or hook up with. Hitting on the cute guy in your class for a study session was more of my style, but hey, it still worked. Then there was always the house parties, where you could get wasted and meet friends of friends. 4 years out of college though, it seems that using the strategies now that you used at your alma mater don’t work out so well. As we all get older, we are looking for more serious and meaningful relationships, dates, and even hook-ups. Being an upper-twentysomething, and especially a thirtysomething, getting plastered at a college party and hitting on men/women just seems sad. That’s because it is. Gone are the days that the men we meet in a bar are good enough as boyfriends. Men you meet in a bar are just that, bar-goers. Sure the fun-loving lifestyle was nice when we were all 21, 22, and even 25, but as we take on more responsibility like kids, mortages, real jobs with real consequences, we all want something a little more… mellow. I’ve dated my fair share of younger guys (cause I’m still using those old pesky methods), and everyone of them was still a young guy. Drinking games with the Bros, all night video game sessions, and shirking responsibilities for fun. Sure these things are awesome every now and again, but when it’s on a weekly, or worse, daily basis, it becomes a problem when you want a more serious life.

So where do we meet these more serious life loving, more responsibility craving, and less binge drinking men? Hell, I have no clue! But here’s my top 10 list on where I would start. I’ve asked my older friends where the hell I go to meet 28-35 year olds, because they simply just don’t exist where ever I’m going… unless they are the creepy guy who doesn’t wanna grow up and still drinks with the frat guys and still can’t afford his own apartment, and who wants him? Not me.

1. Coffee Shops: I still find this one intriguing. It shows something about a person who chooses a coffee shop in the evening over a bar for happy hour. Maybe he’s catching up on a case for work, maybe he’s unwinding by reading the paper. What he’s not doing however, is staying up till 2 a.m. getting wasted. And that’s a good start IMO. Plus, sample ice-breaker: “What are you reading there? Looks awful!” or “When was the last time you ordered just a hot chocolate, without the caffeine?”

2. Happy Hour: Now this one is tricky… you KEY is to leave as soon as happy hour is over. Because anyone you meet after happy hour, is most likely gonna be there all night, and wanted to start the drunk boozing early for the cheap drinks, not the social hour. Many professionals partake in happy hour, as they have a short amount of time to bond with fellow co-workers before going home to deal with responsibilities. Which is what we want! A man who can still have fun ($3 martinis anyone?), but knows when to stop and get back to the real world. Also, don’t think late night happy hour is the same thing. Stay far far far away from those when looking to meet quality men. Hit them with your friends though, for sure. Bonus here is he is likely to be all dressed up in a suit, or similar nice work clothes, so make sure you’re dressed to match. Sample ice-breaker: “Long day in the office?” or “What do you do for a living?” Plus, if you want to buy HIM a drink, it won’t break the bank! And if he passes, it was only a few dollars down the drain.

3. Sports bars: Again, doing with the bar atmosphere can be risky. But plenty of single, mature men who have good lives go to sports bars during football season to watch the game with college buddies, co-workers and friends in general. I have actually met a guy from this one. We went on one date and it didn’t work out, but hey, he worked for the DA’s office and just bought his own home, so this one definitely works. The trick is to lean towards the guys who are sharing a pitcher with their buddies and actually watching the game, and shun away from the one’s lining up shots, cause they’re in for an all dayer and an all nighter. This one I def recommend because if you are into sports, and you occasionally know what you’re talking about (“That wasn’t pass interference! C’mon!!?”), that is a BIG turn on for men. The complaint that the wife doesn’t like football won’t ever be a problem for you two, and guys dig a chick who digs sports and can drink beer. Now if you don’t know anything about sports, don’t come off as the cute-ditsy girl (“What’s the guy in the stripey shirty doing in there?”). No woman-respecting man will find that hot. A good ice-breaker would be asking a cute guy some legitimate sports questions, but just don’t sound like a ditz (“Why aren’t they going for the extra point? They can get TWO points?? Do you think the Coach should have called it that way?”) There are plenty of ice-breakers in this one. Just show up with your fave team’s jersey on, looking cute, but not too sexy, and order a decent beer (read: not corona). BONUS: offer to split man food with a cutie.

4. Pet related activities: By this I mean the dog-park, dog beach, or a pet store. A man that owns and cares for a pet says a ton about him: he is partly selfless, responsible, has a stable life, and can take on a financial burden of another life. All these things read commitment. Plus, if you have a pet, then you already have something in common. Ice-breakers can include anything from talking about breeds, to showing off your dogs tricks. And there really isn’t much sweeter than seeing a hot guy loving his dog, throwing a ball for his pup, and petting it. BONUS: Most guys at a dog park who are there along are likely to be single. One, a guy in a relationship will probably just be walking the pup around the block. Two, if he does it at all… these things usually fall under the woman’s domain. Even bigger BONUS: if your dogs get along, offer a time in the future for a “puppy play date”, if he’s into you, he’ll likely catch on and agree, asking for your digits. Text him an hour before the date asking if he’d like a coffee. TIPS: Bring doggie treats and watch where you step.

5. Dinner parties: I don’t know why, but as we grow older, our friends throw less all nighter kick-backs, and more sophisticated dinner parties/game nights. I personally prefer these types of parties, I love competition and I love board games. As long as the night doesn’t turn into a couple’s night + you, then this could be an excellent way to meet a guy. More and more I feel like my future husband is going to be a friend of a friend, and not someone I meet on the street randomly. So make sure to ask the hosts to invite some single hotties for you. Flirting should be easy in this type of environment, as you have mutual friends to converse over, and familiar faces to put you at ease. Bring a bottle of good wine that you know a few things about for conversation starters. And if it does come to game time, don’t be shy or embarrassed to start things off! Every guy loves a confident woman who can make them laugh and isn’t afraid to put herself out there. Ask him first to be on your team, if he is being shy. I once went to play laser tag with my boyfriend, and when we got there, it was literally all little kids and then us. When we went into the arena, I had about 1 second of “I’m gonna look so dumb”, but then some little shit killed me and I got into it. I said, “lets go!” and started ducking behind walls all Mission: Impossible style. Later he told me that if it hadn’t been for my excitement, he wouldn’t have been so open to getting into the silliness of it all. So let go, and make a total ass of yourself at charades, don’t be insecure, and you’ll likely catch his eye. BONUS: since it’s a dinner party, you’ll likely be in some cocktail sexy dress with some nice heels, which will already give you that confidence boost you need, and will definitely catch his eye.

6. Work: You may not see anybody interesting (or have anyone, as in my case: I work alone), but make sure you go to ALL work events. These are likely to include different departments, other locations, and if it is an open, bring your friends event, then the network is even bigger. Just be careful with whom you hit on. No one wants to make work awkward the next week! And be sure to look out for that ring! Work affairs are messy and a huge no-no. Just make sure you don’t get too sloshed and make an ass of yourself, or you’ll be known as the chicken dance lady from last year’s Christmas party all year long. “Hi, I’m Lizzy. I think we met at the Holiday Party?”, “Oh yeah! You’re the Chicken dance girl! That was funny.” End of conversation. Make sure you especially attend your company’s holiday party, as it will likely be formal (hot cocktail dresses and suits? yes please!), it will likely be BIG, and it will likely have a bar. And really the holidays are especially romantic when you’re all dressed up, cocktail in hand, and a band playing for dancing.

7. Concerts/festivals: Can you say Beer festival? An all day band festival? Oktoberfest? Men love these events, and if you love music or whatever is being celebrated at the festival, then you have get a double bonus! Hot guys who have your same interests, and an easy way to start up conversations. Plus, if it’s a total bust, at least you got to see that local band you’ve read so much about, or sampled craft beers for the first time. The key here is to bring 1 or 2 friends of the same sex at most. Too many girls, and you’re no longer approachable. Any guy in the group, and it’s hard to judge if you’re together. Coming with another couple is bad too, it could just look like 1. you have no friends, or 2. your bf is meeting up soon.

8. Church: I’m not particularly religious, so this one wouldn’t really work for me. But if you are, maybe it’s time to look at your weekly Church visits as two-fold. Love God, and find a mate. Most churches these days have a twentysomething-specialized service that is chock full of younger adults. Churches also push for mingling, before, during, and after the service. Introduce yourself to a member of the church, and ask them to introduce you around. A few weeks of attending, and you can finally say HI to that cutie long enough to ask for a post-church brunch, or coffee date. Some bonuses here are that you’ll both be in nicer clothes, showered and cleaned. And the major bonus is you know your deepest values are shared, so a year down the road you’ll never have to have that conversation about kids/abortion/marriage and the like. Another big bonus is you know the man has the capacity to love something greater than himself, and is likely to feel like he has a purpose in life (other than playing Halo 4). It could also show that he cares about others, and can keep important commitments, like going to church every week.

9: Persue your Passions: This one should seem obvious. Go out and do things you love, and you’re bound to come across a hot guy who loves those things too. It’s statistics! Run marathons-ask a hottie to train with you. Make pottery-ask a hottie for tips on this new vase you’re trying. Practice yoga-ask a hottie for a post-yoga whatever-they-drink (wheatgrass shot?). Gym rat-ask a hottie to spot you. Total geek-ask a hottie if he accepts the alt reality in the new Star Trek. If you’re out there doing what you love, you’re gonna be happy and become a much better woman for pursuing your passions, and every guy will notice that and fall for you for it. Don’t be afraid to do these things alone. Afterall, it’s your passion. Showing you’re independent and follow your dreams, and don’t just sit at home watching rom-coms, is a big turn on. And even better, if you are out there living your life, being single won’t really matter, and you know what they say: They often come when you’re not looking.

10: Running Errands: This one follows the logic of #9. Grocery shopping, going to the gym, doing your laundry, dropping off drycleaning, hell even going to the dentist… all people of all genders do these tasks. You just have to be confident enough that when you see him, or even better, when he sees you, you’re happy, because that will come across in a conversation more than any cheesy line will. If you live life and allow things to happen, they will. And if you’re in your Saturday sweats and ugg boots, even better. Because this is the real you, the everyday, in and outs of life you, and ultimately that is what he is going to have to love. If a guy hits on you when you’re “basic you”, you’re going to sweep him away and blow his mind when you’re “date you”.

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