Tag Archives: Tattoo

New Tattoo!

Okay, so you have to look at it the other way, since I took this with my iPhone and it’s thus upside down. It is a mother and daughter in an embrace, and the heart is naturally an infinite loop. It’s infinite because I’ll always love Sophie, my baby, and we’re forever in an embrace because I’ll always be there for her, no matter what. And the 3 daisies stand for innocence, because she’s my sweet little innocent baby girl. And 3 daisies for the 3rd month she was born, March. So it’s a little cheesy when you spell it out in that way… but I love it. I love her even more. Here is the cutest picture ever, so make sure you have some mouthwash because it’s REALLy sweet!

Reality

About 3 months ago before I had Sophie, I blogged about how I wanted my life to be post-pregnancy. Ah such wishful thinking… Most of the reasons why I have failed to follow some of these guidelines is simply that given the choice between exercise and sleep… Sleep wins. Everytime. So far…

Here is a quick list of what I wrote, with my current notes on REALITY of life in bold:

So here is my pregnancy detox plan (if you will) starting off with diet changes:

1. Delete fast food from my life. HA! Yeah right!! I wish I had the time to cook for myself more but so far I’ve been pretty much living off of Domino’s boneless chicken 🙂 It’s SO yummy!

2. I will be drinking only soy milk. No cow’s milk anymore. This one I have been really good at actually. The only time I drink cow’s milk is in my Starbucks lattes.

3. My Starbucks lattes will be skinny. Ahhhh Starbucks…. YUMMY Starbucks. Recently I have been getting my lattes non-fat, no whip and my fraps skinny 🙂 It’s time for Mama to get hot again!

4. I intend to go back to being mostly vegetarian. Considering I don’t cook my own meat and only eat it when I’m out and about, it shouldn’t be too hard. Again, considering I eat boneless chicken every day… ughhh…. well, I have tofu in my fridge, I just need to cook it!

5. I will continue to limit my caffeine intake. Still having about 1 cup a day, go me!

6. One rule I love that I follow now is I don’t include any SODAS or ENERGY drinks in my diet. I will definitely continue this. Yay! I’ve kept this one really really well! I hardly drink soda anymore and I don’t even really enjoy it anymore. Although I sort of miss energy drinks, umm, no thank you.

7. One thing I CAN’T wait to do is eat fish!!!!!!! I’m not sure on whether or not this rule continues into breastfeeding, but god I hope not. I MISS fish and especially sashimi and sushi… mmmmmmm LOVE LOVE LOVE sashimi!!!! I haven’t eaten it enough post-pregnancy but when I did…. HEAVEN.

8. I also plan on, eventually, re-entering alcohol into my life. I never plan on continuing my old lifestyle ever again, but being able to have a glass of wine with dinner or a sour ale at the bar will be nice. Let’s see… I have had a couple coronas here or there and some wine with dinner, I haven’t gotten drunk yet though. Although one of my bestfriends is in town this week….

And here is my plans for my body:

1. Reintroduce exercise slowly through the use of a personal trainer. Don’t think I will be using a PT, but I have plans to begin going to the gym several times a week. I just keep delaying this plan due to overtiredness. I *hope* to be going to the River for a weekend in early June, so I’m trying to use that as my motivation… but part of me doesn’t think I will be able to leave Sophie for a whole weekend!

2. Eventually start a running regimen doing intervals that I learned about in Women’s Health. Meh, see above. I have a love/hate relationship with running….

3. Get back down to my pre-pregnancy weight of around 120 lbs. (Which means I’ll have about 30 lbs altogether to lose… some of those will come off during delivery, the rest…..) So pretty much since I had Sophie I’ve been at about 135, so I have about another 10 lbs to lose until I’m happy again. My hips have gotten bigger though and I don’t think that will change, which means I went up in pant size, but I’m hoping to tone up I will lose some inches.

4. Tone up my core, butt, and thighs. And get lifting free weights again. I really do miss the gym. Not more than I miss sleep unfortunately.

5. Keep up with yoga at least once a week.

6. My goal is to get back to a 27 inch waist, which is about a size 5 in jeans. Hopefully I can keep some of the new big boobs :)

7. And my goal is to do all of this in about 3 months after I can start exercising again. Which will hopefully be in late April (approx 6 weeks after birth).

8. One of the first things I plan on doing is *hopefully* getting tattooed as soon as I can. Going 10 months without a tattoo, especially after a breakup, is HARD for me. I have a tradition where after every relationship (only the major ones) end, I get a piercing or tattoo as a way of moving on and celebrating that part of my life. I know I want to do something for Sophie, I’m not sure yet. I know I don’t want to do the traditional hand/footprint tattoo… that’s overused and boring. For this one, I have decided on what I want my Sophie tattoo to be… her name in greek, which looks like this Σοφíα and her birth flower, which are daffodils. I can’t wait to get it done!!!

Tattoo #5

I’m so freaking excited for my next tattoo! Me and Nick are getting ours done on July 30th at Full Circle Tattoo, which is an award winning tattoo shop that is going to be featured in tattoo magazine soon. My last one, the infinity tattoo, was done there by my friend Henry, but this next one is going to be done by Cash. Nick and I are getting the same #13 tattoo, in the same spot, but he is getting his in a skull, and I’m not entirely sure yet what I am getting my #13 with. First I wanted a skull too, but I couldn’t justify the idea of a skull on my body… just not really my thing. Then I decided on a swallow, which I still love that idea, I just don’t know how to work it in with the #13. I liked the idea of a swallow because they are supposed to represent the beach, the land next to water, which is what San Diego is, so no matter where I go in life, I’ll have a piece of SD with me. But now I am thinking that I will get the #13, and then have either flowers and vines, or a tree sort of growing around the 13. I think that flowers, like the popular Japanese blossoms, are really pretty inked. But I also love love love the idea of a Tree tattoo. I’ve seen some pretty amazing ones looking through google, and I thought it would look cool having 13 be sort of the roots or base of the tree. But I don’t want that big of a tattoo in the spot where Nick and I are getting them. The location is lower stomach, on the left side, sort of pelvic region. I am open to ideas, since I am NOT a creative person at all, and I have a very hard time seeing images in my head. That is why most of my tattoos are script. I can see script very easily in my head. So if y’all have any ideas, please send em my way!

#13: Get Another Tattoo

It says: “If I am not for myself, who will be for me?” in Hebrew. The saying originated with Hillel the Elder. [Source Wikipedia].

I love tattoos. I have about 10 more ideas of what I want to ink into my skin. This particular one means a lot to me, especially what I’ve been through in the past year. I think the quote is pretty self explanatory, and for me, it just means I need to be for myself, and respect my own person, and not let anyone tear that down, because if I do, then no one will be for me. The tattoo experience was pretty straight forward… trace, place, and ink. Didn’t really hurt that bad. Originally I wanted to get the tattoo under by left breast, on my ribs, but it turns out the design was too intricate to get it so small, the characters would have eventually bled together after a certain amount of years. So I decided to get it on my arm, where I can read it everyday, and remind myself that I am strong, and that I am strong for me.

As far as the list goes, I haven’t really been doing much off of it, so I’m glad I got this one done. This is one of the options that is the closest to my heart. It is a way for me to accept that past, acknowledge my part in it, and move on. A reminder forever, of how strong I am, and how far I’ve come. I am so happy with life right now, and I hope realizing I need to be for myself will allow me to continue on and lead a fulfilling and happy life.

Thoughts

About 2 months ago I found out that my Mama had lung cancer. It wasn’t good, it was Stage 4, and uncurable, unremovable, basically unfixable. They gave her anywhere from 6 months to 5 years to live. She has now started on a round of chemotherapy, had her first treatment of chemo last week, and has yet to lose all her hair. Finding out that my Mama has an even more limited time on this Earth than I thought has been the hardest thing I have ever had to cope with. I’m still not okay with it, I break down frequently, and it scares me to death knowing she won’t be there for me most of my life. Growing up, I was thisclose with my Grandma Pulido (mom’s side). I would spend summers traveling with my Grandparents all over Arizona, countless hours with the family playing our family card game of Euchre, and the traditions we had every Christmas. I know for a fact that I would not be the woman I am today if I hadn’t had the support of my Grandma. She was an amazing woman, and she just thought the world of me. She was always proud of me, and always made me feel like I was the most special granddaughter in the whole world! It breaks my heart knowing that my kids won’t be able to have that type of relationship with their grandmother. But, what kills me even more is that for years now, all my Mama has wanted was a grandbaby. My brother and I are both at ages where it would be 100% fine to start having kids. I’m 25, he’s 31. But neither of us are particularly close to that goal. And since high school, I have always wanted to have kids. When I found out I was pregnant last November, my Mama was ecstatic! But shortly after, I miscarried, which ended up being for the better in the long run. But that was only 7 months ago… I am still dealing with the emotional leftover from that experience. The worst part of it is though that my Mama won’t get the grandbaby she always has wanted. I was so happy to give her that, and she almost started buying everything for my baby, that’s how excited she was! And while there is a chance the Doctor’s could all be wrong, and she could live past 5 years, into 15 years or 30 more years, the possibility of that, is, admittingly low. I’m not trying to be pessimistic, just realistic. It breaks my heart, and gives me a pain that I can actually feel, to know that there is a good chance that my Mama could be laying on her death bed, and never ever have bonded with a grandbaby, or even seen one. I feel guilty. I know what it would feel like if I knew I was going to be passing away in the next few years. I would be so regretful, for the things I never did… not getting married yet, or not having kids yet. I feel that terror everyday actually. I am terrified that my life will end without me getting to fulfill my most intimate of dreams. Sure, law school and my career are dreams I have, but in the end, that won’t matter. Family is what will matter. The relationships I have with my family members now, and the family that I am able to create, to marry into. Love, that is what will matter. Money, jobs, careers, cars, houses…. none of that will be there for me when I am sick in the hospital, or suddently hit by another car. So can I say that marriage and family and kids are my ultimate and only goal? Absolutely. Without fail. I understand that not a lot of people can share this outlook, my boyfriend being one of them. And I can’t get mad at that. But that is how I feel. So I take what dying without all of that, all of my dreams, would feel like, and I now know that is what my Mama is going to feel. She may never experience her dreams, and that is my fault. It lies solely on my shoulders. And sometimes I think, maybe I should be spending time finding a man who is ready for those things now, and not in the future. For not only me, but for my Mama. I can’t say that I won’t be just a little resentful at my boyfriend if my Mama passes away without her being able to witness these milestones for her daughter. I guess in my head, I see it as, if you love me and want to marry me someday, then why not just do it early, so my dying mother can be apart of it? Is that really, truly a lot to ask? In the scheme of things, in the long run, 45 years into our marriage, is it really going to matter if we did it a year early? I don’t think so… but I do think it will matter in 45 years from now if we didn’t do it early, and wasted that time my Mama was around. I do know though that the kid thing is a bust. Even if I had a kid right now, that would only be by the Doctor’s estimates 4 years that my baby would know his grandma. I will forever blame myself for not giving this to my Mama. And every night, when I go to bed, I feel this sting of regret, and blame in my heart. It’s hard. I feel selfish. I feel anger. I feel a lot of resentment. And regret. I feel mad at my Mama for doing this to herself, and now she won’t be around when my kids want to go to Seaworld or Disneyland for the first time with their grandma. I won’t have anyone to call when my baby won’t stop crying from teething, or has a temperature. But all that isn’t even compared to the fact that my Mama will never, ever, in her lifetime, experience being a Grandma. Cause even though I haven’t had kids yet, I will one day, and it’s gonna take longer than I wanted, but I will still get to experience it. She won’t. And that’s all. on. me.

One of the saddest things my Mama has said to me since this all began was when she first found out, we were crying together in the hospital, and she said to me: “Lizzy, if I had known this was going to happen… if I had known it was so easy to quit, it only took a tiny amount of time compared to what I’m going to lose…. If I had known I wouldn’t have done this to you, I’m so sorry”

Those of you who choose to do this to yourselves, stop being so selfish. If there are others who care about you, and whom you claim to love, don’t do this anymore. The pain I’m going through now, and am going to have to deal with the rest of my life, and am going to have to explain to my kids…. there are no words for it. Yes, my Mama would have died eventually, of course. And who knows, maybe she would’ve died at the same time in her life no matter what, but knowing she had a choice to not do this to herself… and that she was too scared to try and quit…. It’s a shame what this drug does to people, and their loved ones.

I got this tattoo to signify that no matter what, me, my mama, and my little sister are interlinked for infinity, for forever. That shape is known as the infinity symbol, and it has my Mama’s, mine, and my little sister’s birthdays in roman numerals. I love you Mama.

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