New Rule: Get Naked

Figuratively that is. Although literally may help.

We hear a lot of talk in magazines and online and in TV shows about “vulnerability” and “exposing your soul”. Or maybe I’ve just been watching too much of The Bachelor. But it’s hard to tell what the hell that really means. Does it mean to confess your love on the first date? Does it mean to discuss your every want and need in detail? What does being “open” to love entail?

These are all really good questions, and since I’m not cupid or Chris Harrison I have no clue what the answers are. But I do think that a good analogy is to get naked… On the inside. Think of how vulnerable you feel the first time you take off your clothes with someone new. Even the most confident of people will have the fleeting “what if he doesn’t like my chest” thoughts. Translating this to our feelings and our inside is a bit more difficult than just taking off clothes. Although with an inexperienced man, skinny jeans are a really big challenge.

I think that one part of becoming vulernable and exposing yourself is just going for it. Hitting on someone you are attracted to even if you are scared of failing. I have had plenty of men who aren’t interested in me. ESPECIALLY since I’ve been pregnant. Although lately I’ve broken my own advice by not exposing myself, and not having the confidence to go for it. Pregnancy totally threw off my game! I’ve flirted, joke-flirted, and been friendly with guys, but I haven’t hit on a single guy since I’ve been expecting. And you’d know if I hit on you. In fact, here are the most popular signs that you’ve been hit on by Lizzy:

1. We’re making out right now.

2. We’re vacationing in Mexico with your family only weeks after meeting.

3. We’re in love.

4. Your friends have said they haven’t seen you this way with a girl in a long time.

5. We’re texting about 800 times a day.

6. There is a twitpic of us with the caption “H-O-T”

7. There is a blog about love instead of hating men.

8. We’re living together.

9. We’re engaged.

10. I’ve already moved on to your best friend.

Okay, that last one only happened once. And the rest are so true. Yes, those things have actually happened, and on the occasions they happened, they occurred in under 2 months. Some in under a month. Anyways, the point is, when I hit on men, I’m fairly successful. At getting them at least… keeping them is obviously a different problem. The closest I’ve come to hitting on a guy is emailing him a very provocative question, as a joke. Mostly a joke. But he asked for questions and I decided to go for it. But I didn’t go for it. And that is NOT exposing myself.

I honestly don’t know why I’m so scared. Maybe it’s because I’ve been hurt a lot in the past few years, been let down and dissapointed by men. Maybe it’s because I’m too terrified of my own future to even think about including anyone else in it. Part of me does think I am damaged or defective goods. And when your confidence is at an all time low, it becomes harder to just go for it with men. So you don’t. And men don’t hit on me, so then it just compounds over and over. “I eat because I’m depressed and I’m depressed because I eat”. It’s a vicious cycle!!!

So how do you break out of it? How do I? Well… I guess every day just needs to be a constant conversation to just get naked. Once you’re out there, exposed & vulnerable, who cares what happens next. What’s more important is that you’re doing it and what’s less important is whether or not you actually get the guy. Occasionally I feel silly or dumb that I psuedo-tried to hit on that guy. I should have just gone for it. But I live with no regrets, and it’s a reminder that next time I need to just suit up. I talk so much about “owning it” and “it is what it is” and “who gives a f*ck” yet I fail to follow my own advice. And if it takes feeling dumb or silly to remind you that you need to go further, then laugh at yourself, dust off, and get naked… Fully.

New Rule

Rule #8: Don’t date someone you need to change

 

This should be a pretty easy one that I shouldn’t need to talk about or tell you about. However, I am oh so guilty of it myself, and my forced sobriety has shed much perspective on the subject, so I thought I’d share my insight.

 

I’m openly against smoking marijuana and cigarettes. However, in my past I’ve dated a pothead and a guy who dips tobacco, mixed in with the “social smoker” and the cigar aficionado. And in almost every case, I knew about their habits when I began dating them. And then I continued to date them, choosing to nag instead of leave. Apparently I’m pretty convincing because in most cases, nagging worked. It does work women of the world, but not without a price, and that price is resentment. As in the man ended up resenting me for “controlling” his life and instead of quitting, decides to do it behind my back. This is the consequence of resentment, and it is something I have learned and know now.

After watching my Mom get diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer and being given a 5% chance of living, I now have a steadfast, unbreakable rule that may as well be written out in blood: I WILL NEVER DATE A SMOKER, OR DRUG USER, OF ANY KIND. This includes social smoking and cigar smoking. At least cigar smoking in front of me. My most recent ex asked me if he could smoke a cigar while my mom was going through chemotherapy. Talk about a jackass move. I don’t care if it’s illogical, or in California, improbable. It’s my rule, and I will never date someone again who smokes, because I will inevitably nag them to quit because I hate it, and they will inevitably come to resent me for it… and it never ends well. People constantly ask me why I hate weed and won’t date or be around smokers, and I always tell them that I don’t need a logical reason, or any reason at all. It’s how I feel and I know my own limits, which I wish people knew more of in dating.For me, it’s a complete and utter deal breaker. If I had this rule back when I was 19 it would have saved me A LOT of heartache and even more fighting. But alas, I learned it at 26: Don’t date someone who you need to change.

 

When I picture my life with my fiance or husband or serious boyfriend, I can tell you one thing: It doesn’t involve a lot of alcohol. Contrary to what you can see in my facebook pictures, I prefer to be boring over crazy. Domesticated over alcoholic. When I say “settle down” with someone, I mean it literally: SETTLE DOWN. As in whoa boy, pull in the reins. This is the lesson that I have reflected upon more clearly as of late. I think about my last 2 relationships and the last 2 years and literally every guy I dated and those 2 relationships were completely and totally revolved around alcohol. It was like I was in an open relationship, it was me, him, and the booze. When I was single, I was in party mode, 24/7. And the guys I met probably, and logically, assumed that was “me”, that was who I am: party girl Lizzy, the crazy, spontaneous one. And I’ve sure had my moments… like going to Mexico after knowing a guy for only 2 weeks with no passport for 4 days. And those were the best 4 days spent with a guy. Full of romance, and spontaneity. We danced in the middle of the street, slow danced outside of a restaurant, frolicked on the beach, and stayed up all night talking and asking each other questions. And dating was full of even more spontaneity: more random dancing, streaking, taking risks and experiencing new things all around. But that’s never what I wanted for my life, for the long-run. Like I said, settling down with someone means settling down. As the relationship progressed, what I truly wanted came out, and that was a nice home life, watching movies, cooking dinner together, sprinkled with spontaneity, not all that craziness as the main course.

 

But what I’ve learned over these past few months is this, I can’t date a wild and crazy guy and then expect him to want to settle down as soon as were in a relationship. Don’t date someone you need to change. The fact is, if you’re dating a partier, it is highly unlikely that is going to change just because he now calls you his girlfriend. He is still going to want to have crazy ass guys nights where he doesn’t remember how he got home. He is still going to expect you to dance on the sidewalk just because. He will be puzzled when you’re upset that he wants to get drunk on a Tuesday night. This happened with my ex-fiance too. When we were dating, things were crazy fun, the same story. As soon as we got engaged, I fully expected to settle down, turn into my parents: boring but happy home life. He didn’t. We fought a lot over this before it ended. Looking back I realize now it wasn’t all his fault (it never is), a huge part of it was my unspoken, unrealized expectation that he didn’t share in. Why? Because you don’t date someone you need to change.

 

I say to you men who want to settle down with a woman but can’t find themselves meeting one worth settling down with is this: Be the man you want to be after you have the girl. But be him now. Because personally, that is what I am looking for from now on. You have to take a good hard look at your wants and needs from a partner, and where you see yourself, where you really see yourself. And then you have to meet those wants and needs to the man. Not mold any man to your wants and needs, that is what has been my problem. Now I have a new set of standards, starting with no smoking, but going further than that. If a man’s life is revolving around drinking and bars and hangovers, then he isn’t the right guy for me, and I will not date you. No matter how much I think I like you, or how hot you may be, or how lonely I am. And here is the real kicker: Words don’t mean shit. Don’t listen to a guy that says “this isn’t me” or “I only party when I’m single” or whatever excuse he comes up with. The truth is, men will say anything to get a woman into bed. Or even if they believe, truly believe, that the image isn’t the real them, just remember: actions speak louder than words. If he is partying every night, it is him. No matter how much he tries to deny it or say he’s ready to settle down. The only guy who is ready to settle down is the one that IS settled down.

 

The same logic applies to all aspects of a guy you want to date. If he says he wants to go to school, that is a lot different from a guy who is actually going to school. Don’t date a guy you need to change. If you want a guy who is motivated and will bring success to himself, you have to find a guy who is motivated and bringing success to himself, or at least trying. NOT one who is talking about it. If you want to date a man who doesn’t mind kids, then find a guy who is comfortable around kids, not one who says he is okay with children, but then freaks out when 6 of them are running crazy during a party or who refuses to go with you to a birthday party. It’s a tough conversation to have, but if you’re sleeping with someone, you need to know how they feel about children, because there is always a chance of getting pregnant. Trust me. When I first brought up getting pregnant by accident to my baby’s father, he flipped. Literally flipped out. Lo and behold, several weeks later, I was actually accidentally pregnant. Whoops. And you all know what happened there: he flipped. If you want a guy who wants to be a father, then you need to date a guy who is okay with having kids NOW. Not one who talks about it as some vague alien universe that may or may not exist in the future. The truth is, if he can’t talk about it now, he isn’t even close to being ready. And if you are, well, don’t date someone you need to change.

 

And by the way, the logic that if a guy can’t talk about something calmly and rationally right now means he isn’t ready for it totally stands true. If you’re at a point in your life where certain things are really important to you, and the man you’re dating can’t talk about those things, then it’s not going to work. Don’t date someone you need to change.

 

Date someone who already is ______. Whatever wants and needs and must-haves are on your list.

 

 

 

 

Best places to meet men post-college

It’s hard navigating the post-college world of dating. In college, if you were in a frat or sorority, you were set, men and women just waiting to be asked out on dates or hook up with. Hitting on the cute guy in your class for a study session was more of my style, but hey, it still worked. Then there was always the house parties, where you could get wasted and meet friends of friends. 4 years out of college though, it seems that using the strategies now that you used at your alma mater don’t work out so well. As we all get older, we are looking for more serious and meaningful relationships, dates, and even hook-ups. Being an upper-twentysomething, and especially a thirtysomething, getting plastered at a college party and hitting on men/women just seems sad. That’s because it is. Gone are the days that the men we meet in a bar are good enough as boyfriends. Men you meet in a bar are just that, bar-goers. Sure the fun-loving lifestyle was nice when we were all 21, 22, and even 25, but as we take on more responsibility like kids, mortages, real jobs with real consequences, we all want something a little more… mellow. I’ve dated my fair share of younger guys (cause I’m still using those old pesky methods), and everyone of them was still a young guy. Drinking games with the Bros, all night video game sessions, and shirking responsibilities for fun. Sure these things are awesome every now and again, but when it’s on a weekly, or worse, daily basis, it becomes a problem when you want a more serious life.

So where do we meet these more serious life loving, more responsibility craving, and less binge drinking men? Hell, I have no clue! But here’s my top 10 list on where I would start. I’ve asked my older friends where the hell I go to meet 28-35 year olds, because they simply just don’t exist where ever I’m going… unless they are the creepy guy who doesn’t wanna grow up and still drinks with the frat guys and still can’t afford his own apartment, and who wants him? Not me.

1. Coffee Shops: I still find this one intriguing. It shows something about a person who chooses a coffee shop in the evening over a bar for happy hour. Maybe he’s catching up on a case for work, maybe he’s unwinding by reading the paper. What he’s not doing however, is staying up till 2 a.m. getting wasted. And that’s a good start IMO. Plus, sample ice-breaker: “What are you reading there? Looks awful!” or “When was the last time you ordered just a hot chocolate, without the caffeine?”

2. Happy Hour: Now this one is tricky… you KEY is to leave as soon as happy hour is over. Because anyone you meet after happy hour, is most likely gonna be there all night, and wanted to start the drunk boozing early for the cheap drinks, not the social hour. Many professionals partake in happy hour, as they have a short amount of time to bond with fellow co-workers before going home to deal with responsibilities. Which is what we want! A man who can still have fun ($3 martinis anyone?), but knows when to stop and get back to the real world. Also, don’t think late night happy hour is the same thing. Stay far far far away from those when looking to meet quality men. Hit them with your friends though, for sure. Bonus here is he is likely to be all dressed up in a suit, or similar nice work clothes, so make sure you’re dressed to match. Sample ice-breaker: “Long day in the office?” or “What do you do for a living?” Plus, if you want to buy HIM a drink, it won’t break the bank! And if he passes, it was only a few dollars down the drain.

3. Sports bars: Again, doing with the bar atmosphere can be risky. But plenty of single, mature men who have good lives go to sports bars during football season to watch the game with college buddies, co-workers and friends in general. I have actually met a guy from this one. We went on one date and it didn’t work out, but hey, he worked for the DA’s office and just bought his own home, so this one definitely works. The trick is to lean towards the guys who are sharing a pitcher with their buddies and actually watching the game, and shun away from the one’s lining up shots, cause they’re in for an all dayer and an all nighter. This one I def recommend because if you are into sports, and you occasionally know what you’re talking about (“That wasn’t pass interference! C’mon!!?”), that is a BIG turn on for men. The complaint that the wife doesn’t like football won’t ever be a problem for you two, and guys dig a chick who digs sports and can drink beer. Now if you don’t know anything about sports, don’t come off as the cute-ditsy girl (“What’s the guy in the stripey shirty doing in there?”). No woman-respecting man will find that hot. A good ice-breaker would be asking a cute guy some legitimate sports questions, but just don’t sound like a ditz (“Why aren’t they going for the extra point? They can get TWO points?? Do you think the Coach should have called it that way?”) There are plenty of ice-breakers in this one. Just show up with your fave team’s jersey on, looking cute, but not too sexy, and order a decent beer (read: not corona). BONUS: offer to split man food with a cutie.

4. Pet related activities: By this I mean the dog-park, dog beach, or a pet store. A man that owns and cares for a pet says a ton about him: he is partly selfless, responsible, has a stable life, and can take on a financial burden of another life. All these things read commitment. Plus, if you have a pet, then you already have something in common. Ice-breakers can include anything from talking about breeds, to showing off your dogs tricks. And there really isn’t much sweeter than seeing a hot guy loving his dog, throwing a ball for his pup, and petting it. BONUS: Most guys at a dog park who are there along are likely to be single. One, a guy in a relationship will probably just be walking the pup around the block. Two, if he does it at all… these things usually fall under the woman’s domain. Even bigger BONUS: if your dogs get along, offer a time in the future for a “puppy play date”, if he’s into you, he’ll likely catch on and agree, asking for your digits. Text him an hour before the date asking if he’d like a coffee. TIPS: Bring doggie treats and watch where you step.

5. Dinner parties: I don’t know why, but as we grow older, our friends throw less all nighter kick-backs, and more sophisticated dinner parties/game nights. I personally prefer these types of parties, I love competition and I love board games. As long as the night doesn’t turn into a couple’s night + you, then this could be an excellent way to meet a guy. More and more I feel like my future husband is going to be a friend of a friend, and not someone I meet on the street randomly. So make sure to ask the hosts to invite some single hotties for you. Flirting should be easy in this type of environment, as you have mutual friends to converse over, and familiar faces to put you at ease. Bring a bottle of good wine that you know a few things about for conversation starters. And if it does come to game time, don’t be shy or embarrassed to start things off! Every guy loves a confident woman who can make them laugh and isn’t afraid to put herself out there. Ask him first to be on your team, if he is being shy. I once went to play laser tag with my boyfriend, and when we got there, it was literally all little kids and then us. When we went into the arena, I had about 1 second of “I’m gonna look so dumb”, but then some little shit killed me and I got into it. I said, “lets go!” and started ducking behind walls all Mission: Impossible style. Later he told me that if it hadn’t been for my excitement, he wouldn’t have been so open to getting into the silliness of it all. So let go, and make a total ass of yourself at charades, don’t be insecure, and you’ll likely catch his eye. BONUS: since it’s a dinner party, you’ll likely be in some cocktail sexy dress with some nice heels, which will already give you that confidence boost you need, and will definitely catch his eye.

6. Work: You may not see anybody interesting (or have anyone, as in my case: I work alone), but make sure you go to ALL work events. These are likely to include different departments, other locations, and if it is an open, bring your friends event, then the network is even bigger. Just be careful with whom you hit on. No one wants to make work awkward the next week! And be sure to look out for that ring! Work affairs are messy and a huge no-no. Just make sure you don’t get too sloshed and make an ass of yourself, or you’ll be known as the chicken dance lady from last year’s Christmas party all year long. “Hi, I’m Lizzy. I think we met at the Holiday Party?”, “Oh yeah! You’re the Chicken dance girl! That was funny.” End of conversation. Make sure you especially attend your company’s holiday party, as it will likely be formal (hot cocktail dresses and suits? yes please!), it will likely be BIG, and it will likely have a bar. And really the holidays are especially romantic when you’re all dressed up, cocktail in hand, and a band playing for dancing.

7. Concerts/festivals: Can you say Beer festival? An all day band festival? Oktoberfest? Men love these events, and if you love music or whatever is being celebrated at the festival, then you have get a double bonus! Hot guys who have your same interests, and an easy way to start up conversations. Plus, if it’s a total bust, at least you got to see that local band you’ve read so much about, or sampled craft beers for the first time. The key here is to bring 1 or 2 friends of the same sex at most. Too many girls, and you’re no longer approachable. Any guy in the group, and it’s hard to judge if you’re together. Coming with another couple is bad too, it could just look like 1. you have no friends, or 2. your bf is meeting up soon.

8. Church: I’m not particularly religious, so this one wouldn’t really work for me. But if you are, maybe it’s time to look at your weekly Church visits as two-fold. Love God, and find a mate. Most churches these days have a twentysomething-specialized service that is chock full of younger adults. Churches also push for mingling, before, during, and after the service. Introduce yourself to a member of the church, and ask them to introduce you around. A few weeks of attending, and you can finally say HI to that cutie long enough to ask for a post-church brunch, or coffee date. Some bonuses here are that you’ll both be in nicer clothes, showered and cleaned. And the major bonus is you know your deepest values are shared, so a year down the road you’ll never have to have that conversation about kids/abortion/marriage and the like. Another big bonus is you know the man has the capacity to love something greater than himself, and is likely to feel like he has a purpose in life (other than playing Halo 4). It could also show that he cares about others, and can keep important commitments, like going to church every week.

9: Persue your Passions: This one should seem obvious. Go out and do things you love, and you’re bound to come across a hot guy who loves those things too. It’s statistics! Run marathons-ask a hottie to train with you. Make pottery-ask a hottie for tips on this new vase you’re trying. Practice yoga-ask a hottie for a post-yoga whatever-they-drink (wheatgrass shot?). Gym rat-ask a hottie to spot you. Total geek-ask a hottie if he accepts the alt reality in the new Star Trek. If you’re out there doing what you love, you’re gonna be happy and become a much better woman for pursuing your passions, and every guy will notice that and fall for you for it. Don’t be afraid to do these things alone. Afterall, it’s your passion. Showing you’re independent and follow your dreams, and don’t just sit at home watching rom-coms, is a big turn on. And even better, if you are out there living your life, being single won’t really matter, and you know what they say: They often come when you’re not looking.

10: Running Errands: This one follows the logic of #9. Grocery shopping, going to the gym, doing your laundry, dropping off drycleaning, hell even going to the dentist… all people of all genders do these tasks. You just have to be confident enough that when you see him, or even better, when he sees you, you’re happy, because that will come across in a conversation more than any cheesy line will. If you live life and allow things to happen, they will. And if you’re in your Saturday sweats and ugg boots, even better. Because this is the real you, the everyday, in and outs of life you, and ultimately that is what he is going to have to love. If a guy hits on you when you’re “basic you”, you’re going to sweep him away and blow his mind when you’re “date you”.

It’s trite, but it is what it is.

Wiktionary for “It is what it is”: This circumstance is simply a fact and must be accepted or dealt with as it exists.

I like to tell myself that we can’t control anything about life except the way we react, and sometimes not even then. How we deal with things that happen to us, our reactions, are really the only pieces of life that are directly under our influence. We can’t choose the way we feel like anger, sadness, jealousy… we simply feel them. We can choose how we act upon those feelings however, whether we reach out and call someone or yell at someone. In my LSAT class we  are learning all about taking control of the test by making key decisions to skip a question or taking control of a logic game. Well, apply that to life and it’s a good habit to choose your actions to take control of your life. When M left me, I was devastated for sure, that was something I felt, and I couldn’t help. But I could have helped the fact that I begged him for hours, sobbing, on the phone to take me back. Being denied that many times in one conversation sure did something to me. It made me feel even worse. But I could have just as easily accepted his decision, it is what it is, and cried to myself and with my friends, and while I would have felt terrible, I probably wouldn’t have felt as pathetic as I did after begging. It’s just hard sometimes to remember we have a choice in these things. I wrote a long email to my ex, the details of which I will not ever reveal, and instead of sending it, I saved it. Today I deleted that saved email because I choose to take control of my own life, and not let someone else control it. Sure I’m sad, loss is sad. But I’m not so devastated I’m going to let him or those emotions get the best of me. I’m going to choose to be stronger than that and take the road not traveled this time. Every guy that has broken up with me I have worked so hard at getting back with. It’s as if that became my only goal in life: getting. them. back. With B, it worked for 5 years! I had it perfected man! With M it worked for awhile, and several others. But I’m not about that anymore. I’m taking the Fury approach: one chance, then goodbye. We don’t need people in our lives who choose to treat us a certain way, and even if that way is a respectful detachment, it’s a detachment none-the-less, and we can all do better than that. Just like we have choices, the others we encounter have choices too, and even though it may hurt to think about, they chose to not want you in their life. Now this could be anything, from a child, to a friendship or a relationship. We can’t control others’ choices, we can barely even influence them. We may be able to convince them to do or not do something a few times, but ultimately, what they believe/want/need will win out every time. All we can do is repeat to ourselves “it is what it is” and move on. Dwelling is the enemy of happiness. I think every situation requires some reflection, yes, don’t get me wrong. But there is a difference between that and dwelling. Reflect, then move on. To dwell on something we can’t control… that is going to be the ultimate waste of happiness, energy, time and life. And no self respecting person will waste these precious things for someone else and their decision. If the other party one day decides to come around again and changes their mind about things, so be it. You can’t control that, but you can control on whether or not you will accept them back into your life. This has happened to me with several of my long time friends. Shit happens, and we all get mad at eachother sometimes. We lose touch, and time and time again I’ve made the decision to of course let that friend back into my life. And everytime it has been the right decision. Obviously, the situations get stickier and stickier the more deeply the people are involved, like in relationships, marriages, or parents. But until that moment happens, or it may never come, I refuse to dwell on it and I choose to live my life for me, making my own happiness and choosing my own actions over the things I can’t control that happen to me. And honestly, when viewed that way, it is so empowering. You’re effectively choosing against being a victim, and thus becoming a survivor. It’s huge! And it’s something I personally wish I could follow more than I do, but I’m glad that I am getting better at recognizing this pattern of thinking and stopping it in it’s tracks.

Rule #5: The best way to get over someone…

…is to get on top of someone new. True story.

Clarification.

A good friend of mine brought up an apparent flaw in my rules between Rule #5, and Rule #2.

Rule #2 says not to have one night stands. Which I still stand by.

Rule #5 says the best way to get over someone is to get on top of someone new. Which I also stand by. However, “new” may be misleading…. I should have said, someone different. This is a good place where the future rule #6 comes in: Always stay friends with your exes.

An ex is a beautiful way to get over someone. As long as there’s no lingering feelings there, hooking up with an ex is almost always a brilliant idea. Comfortable, safe, you get yours…. And then you feel better. Perfect! If that is to awkward for you, or all your exes are evil, then this is where you can start breaking that glass. As in Chris Rock’s bit:

“A platonic friend to a woman is like “a dick in a glass case. In case of emergency break open glass”.”

Now if you don’t have any platonic friends to flip, this is where you just start meeting new guys. Now don’t sleep with them on the first day, c’mon ladies, stay classy. Talk to them for awhile, text chats, facebook chats, make em meet your friends….. then, you know, do your thing and apply Rule #5.

Related Articles

• The origins of the term “platonic friendship.” (slate.com)
• Why Men and Woman Can’t be “Just Friends.” (psychologytoday.com)
• Men Are Capable Of Not Fucking Their Friends. Really. [Getting Friendly] (jezebel.com)