Family, Dating and the Holidays

This year was a bitter-sweet year for me. I got to be there for Sophie’s very first Christmas which she slept through most of it. But she loved all her new toys and I just love her!

But I also found out that my mom’s cancer came back and this time it’s untreatable. That was a stab in the heart. I know it’s natural to lose your parents but you never expect it to happen so soon and you never expect to know its coming sooner rather than later. I’ll admit, I’m terrified of losing my mommy. I’m devastated that Sophie won’t know her as well as I knew my grandparents. Most of all I’m Wrecked that she may never meet the rest of her grand kids, and they may never know her warmth and love. Because of all this I’m still praying for a miracle, for anything that will keep her here with us. My mom is this amazing woman and if anyone deserves a miracle it’s her.

Because of all of this, I’ve made it a point to spend more time with my family over the holidays. That and my brother was in town for a week. Yeah, I blew off a few potential dates and a new years kiss at midnight to do so and I feel bad about that. But ill always remember this time spent with my family and that’s so important to me. And it’s a little surprising actually considering 10 years ago I couldn’t wait to flee from prison home. Just goes to show how much a little time and having a kid of your own changes your perspective.

Dating over the holidays is rough though if not impossible. I know that people say if someone means something to you then you’ll make time for them but I spent literally every night at my parents house for a week just being with them. Best idea ever. We played monopoly, our favorite card game euchre, and my personal fave Just Dance 3. I will never EVER forget my brother and my mom dancing to that game. Ever. But my point is if you’re seeing someone an they haven’t made time for you over the holidays, give them a break and don’t read too much into it. For me at least, every night of family togetherness was important and amazing because it could be our last holidays like this.

Thanks family for all the love and wonderful season!

Dating Adventures from a Mom

It occurs to me that since my bestie/roommate is writing about *my* dating life as a topic for her blog posts so she doesn’t have to do her 30 dates thing I should probably be writing about it too. I just tend to get darn lazy with this blog between working, obsessing over Once Upon a Time, being a mommy, and making these (damn) magnet boards.

If you’ve been following my blog for awhile now, you’ll know that I became bitterly single (read about it here, here, and here) while I was pregnant, and after the early zombie days of motherhood wondering how the heck I am ever going to date again. There were so many questions floating around…

who would date a single mom?

do they become like a new dad to my kid?

what do I do about the fact that I’m still breastfeeding…awkward!?

when do you introduce the baby to them?

how do you NOT talk about your baby the entire night?

will they even realize I’m a person anymore since all I do is talk about baby poop and probably have some in my hair?

Okay… so maybe some of those questions aren’t real, but in reality it is a complicated situation. One I unfortunately didn’t have to come across until recently since no one wanted to date me. You see, most men I know don’t want to date a single mom. It’s too much, too fast, and they’re too afraid of ______. Whatever, cool. I am focused on being a mommy anyways. But I knew eventually I would have to foray out into the world of dating. Taking care of myself as a woman is important to me, and to Sophie too. As a good friend reminded me, I have to be the one to set an example of healthy relationships for Sophie. She will learn it all from watching my interaction with people, men, her father, etc. I knew eventually if I ever wanted to get married and maybe have some more kiddos, I’d have to start dating. Right?

THANK GOD that my first date as a mother was with someone I’d known since high school. I couldn’t tell you how nervous I still was in spite of the fact that we’d been friends 10+ years. My roomie was assuring me that it was all going to be okay as I was finding ways I could bow out gracefully just so I didn’t have to worry about they tiny date details that every girls worries about. Opening doors, saying thank yous, not burping, making sure there’s no food in your teeth, is there a kiss? is there a hug? ugh… anyways. Needless to say, it went swimmingly and was a perfect date.

But the point here isn’t to summarize all my dates (there’s been 4 so far tyvm!) but to say that it IS possible to date and be a mommy to a 9 month year old GIVEN that the man you’re going on dates with is totally understanding that you’re a mom to a 9 month old.

Related articles

• How to date a mom – AskMen (shyra.wordpress.com)
• I call BULLSH*T! (elizabethlatkins.wordpress.com)

I call BULLSH*T!

Recently, my bestie did a blog where she asked 10 males from all walks of life (different ages, beliefs, experiences, and relationship statuses) 10 questions all of us ladies have always wanted to know, to get their honest answers once and for all. See it here.

Now going through this… all I have to say (which I said out loud quite a few times actually) is BULLSH*T!!! Let’s break it down question by questions….

Question #1: “What do you look for in a girlfriend?”

Most guys’ answers: Be yourself and a good personality.

What I really think they mean: Someone who will never deny me sex and who will let me spend as much time as I want with my friends… without them.

Why are they telling us what we want to hear? Guys don’t really want a woman who will just (waaahh) be themselves and cuddle on the couch. Pla-ease. They want a chick who isn’t jealous, doesn’t expect romance, won’t nag them, doesn’t mind falling in the toilet… etc. That’s the real answer. Blair is the only one I think is being remotely honest, and he says, “Let me drink beer and smoke weed every day.”

 

Question #2: “What matters most, looks or personality?”

Most guys’ answers: Personality.

What I really think they mean: Doesn’t matter as long as she has sex with me on a consistent basis.

Hot, stupid, smart, average-looking… doesn’t matter how you look or how awesome you are, he will leave you or worse (cheat) if he isn’t getting any.

 

Question #3: Do guys what “girly” girls or “chill” girls?

Most guys’ answers: Chill girls who are hot.

What I really think they mean: Girly.

I guess it comes down to how you really define these terms. So I pose the question to you men, when you hear “girly”, what does that mean to you? I assume most guys think “high-maintenence”. But what the hell does that even mean??? I don’t think men really know what they’re getting themselves into if they don’t want a high-maintenence girl… Do you really want a woman who can keep her razor fresh for 2-3 months? We all love a girl who can go out without makeup, but do you really want a woman who honestly never wears ANY makeup. Or brushes her hair. Or owns heels? There is a reason why Playboy exists… no one has a fantasy of a chic with messy hair, un-plucked eyebrows, a ‘stach (we all have em… and we all pluck/wax em). And let’s not even mention the down-there situation.

Sure a girl who drinks beer and owns a Football jersey (or 7) is H-O-T… but can she burp hot sauce in your face and rip one too? I don’t truly think men know what they’re getting themselves into with this answer…

 

Question #4: Basically… how do you hit on a girl? (my synopsis of the question)

Most guys’ answers: Blah blah blah… I buy her a drink, yada yada yada, I look in her eyes, BS BS BS, I talk to her.

What I really think they mean: Men don’t hit on women. EVER!

Or maybe it’s just me… men don’t hit on me. EVER. Seriously. Now, I think I’m a catch. I’m cute enough. I dress coordinated (mostly). Most days I brush my hair. But the last x amount of men I’ve dated was because I HIT ON THEM! I can’t remember the last boyfriend I’ve had who hit on me first. One guy I dated I even had to send him my number via facebook TWICE. Yes, twice, because he deleted my number the 1st time! How rude!! Maybe it’s a vibe I’m sending out (desperation). Maybe they realize how amazing I am and are intimidated (I wish!!) I have no clue. But it sucks! Hit on me, please! It would make my night!

 

Question #5: “Is it ok for women to ask the guy out and/or make the first move?”

Most guys’ answers: Almost unequivocally YES.

What I really think they mean: YES.

Okay, guys are lazy and guys are insecure so the best solution to this one is have the women do the work! Then they don’t have to put anything out there, and they know they have it in the bag… I see what y’all are doing here and I call your bluff… I’ve had a standing order for awhile now. I’m no longer hitting on men at all or making the first move. See above for how that’s working out for me (it isn’t).

 

Qustion #6: a favorite… “Does a guy lose respect for a girl if she sleeps with him on the first night?”

Most guys’ answers: Some weird combination of (paraphrase) “I won’t lose respect for you but you’re no longer girlfriend material”. Mmmkay, whatever that means…

What I really think they mean: I’ll say what you want to hear so you’ll have sex with me, then I won’t date you. And I’ll tell all my friends how easy you were. Sucker.

Guys are evil. Seriously. Guys are all: “women empowerment! have sex when ever you want! with whoever you want!” Then they’re like: “sluts”. Then they’re like: “yeah baby I like you so much, wanna stay over? I feel like I know you so well already even though it’s only been 1 date.” Then they’re like: “I’m too busy for a relationship.” what. the. hell. I honestly don’t think a man will ever tell a women NOT to have sex with them on the first night because it would be breaking some sort of unspoken man-code. From now on, I’m going with the fictional J-Lo book from HIMYM of no sex until 17 dates. And maybe not even then.

 

Question #7: What does it really mean when a guy tells you “I don’t have time for a girlfriend/relationship”?

Most guys’ answers: He’s just not that into you.

What I think they really mean: He’s just not that into you.

Why can’t they just be that honest from the get-go? No matter how “empowered” women say they are, to 99% of us sex=relationship. Stop having sex with us if you don’t want a relationship. PERIOD. Seriously, no matter what we tell you. We’re lying. Just like you’re lying when you say you’re too busy (you’re not) or the worst one, “you wouldn’t want to date me because of ________ (insert ridiculous situation)”. Ummm, yes we would want to date you even though you’re broke and unemployed because we’re WOMEN and we had sex with you. And now we’re in love. G. Rowden puts it best when he says, “If the guy truly cares about the girl, he will make time for her, no matter what.” Thank you sir.

 

Question #8: How long until our relationship is official? (my summary of the question)

Most guys’ answers: No official amount of time, it should be something that is “communicated”.

What I really think they mean: Official? Oh, I don’t have time for a girlfriend. Thanks for all the sex though.

Seriously, most guys RUN when the official word is brought into play. The needs-to-be-retired line comes to mind: “Why do we have to put a title on this baby? Can’t *you* just go with the flow?” Ugh, and they always make it a way to pin *you* as crazy!!! Ladies, it is perfectly ok and normal to want a commitment. Don’t ever let a man make you feel crazy for wanting it laid out. Sure, it may just be a word (boyfriend), but with it comes peace of mind and responsibility… that’s what they’re really trying to get out of.

 

Question #9: “Does commitment scare you?”

Most guys’ answers: No.

What I really think they mean: YES. Dear God YES.

The amount of men getting married later on in life and the less amount of men marrying early in life, coupled with the divorce rates and the amount of single mothers out there proves that men are afraid of commitment, and are not sticking things through. Relationships are HARD. They’re work, and it’s not always going to be sunshine and butterflies. Some days are going to be downright awful, where you hate the other person and can’t even look at them. I always say love is what exists after the fluttery feeling floats away. It’s the respect, the friendship. I was living with a guy at one point who still couldn’t even talk about getting married. I have a kid with a guy who says he doesn’t want commitment (a KID!). I don’t think there’s a bigger commitment than that. There’s a book out there by someone that talks about “Guyland”, and I fully agree. Most guys under 30 (and some in their 30’s) still live in Guyland. Guyland is like extended college/frat years. They still have roommates, they still drink to get drunk, they still hook up with women randomly, they still set out time for video games, they are still “working” on their career. They rely on their parents or roommates for financial help, and they defer REAL responsibility as long as possibly. Guys in Guyland don’t want relationships. And sadly, most guys I know of in our age bracket are in Guyland. And they don’t graduate from it until their 30’s.

*sidenote* where do I meet 30 year olds?!

 

Question #10: “What’s more important- success or love?”

Most guys’ answers: 6 love-3 success-1 unsure

What I really think they mean: Themselves.

 

Okay…. so maaaaaybe I’m slightly bitter. I’m sure a few of those guys meant a few of those answers. But the facts are the facts. My commentary is based soley on my experiences and the experiences of my friends. If most men really thought what these 10 men answered, I don’t think us women would be so scornful, or crazy. Trust me though, I want to be proven wrong.

 

 

 

 

*I’m being like 98% sarcastic and 2% real. Or maybe it’s 2% sarcastic and 98% real. Either way, don’t take me too seriously, I don’t!*

Post Pregnancy Life

Much like we denote time with AD and BC, women with children denote their lives with Pre-pregnancy and post-pregnancy. Because one thing is for sure, you’re never the same post-pregnancy. Whether it be your body, emotional health, lifestyle or future plans, everything is different. There simply is no going back.

But, we are human beings, and most will do everything in our realm of possibility to try. For me, the most important thing about my post-pregnancy life is getting my body back and getting healthy.

So here is my pregnancy detox plan (if you will) starting off with diet changes:

1. Delete fast food from my life.

2. I will be drinking only soy milk. No cow’s milk anymore.

3. My Starbucks lattes will be skinny.

4. I intend to go back to being mostly vegetarian. Considering I don’t cook my own meat and only eat it when I’m out and about, it shouldn’t be too hard.

5. I will continue to limit my caffeine intake.

6. One rule I love that I follow now is I don’t include any SODAS or ENERGY drinks in my diet. I will definitely continue this.

7. One thing I CAN’T wait to do is eat fish!!!!!!! I’m not sure on whether or not this rule continues into breastfeeding, but god I hope not. I MISS fish and especially sashimi and sushi… mmmmmmm

8. I also plan on, eventually, re-entering alcohol into my life. I never plan on continuing my old lifestyle ever again, but being able to have a glass of wine with dinner or a sour ale at the bar will be nice.

And here is my plans for my body:

1. Reintroduce exercise slowly through the use of a personal trainer.

2. Eventually start a running regimen doing intervals that I learned about in Women’s Health.

3. Get back down to my pre-pregnancy weight of around 120 lbs. (Which means I’ll have about 30 lbs altogether to lose… some of those will come off during delivery, the rest…..)

4. Tone up my core, butt, and thighs. And get lifting free weights again. I really do miss the gym.

5. Keep up with yoga at least once a week.

6. My goal is to get back to a 27 inch waist, which is about a size 5 in jeans. Hopefully I can keep some of the new big boobs 🙂

7. And my goal is to do all of this in about 3 months after I can start exercising again. Which will hopefully be in late April (approx 6 weeks after birth).

8. One of the first things I plan on doing is *hopefully* getting tattooed as soon as I can. Going 10 months without a tattoo, especially after a breakup, is HARD for me. I have a tradition where after every relationship (only the major ones) end, I get a piercing or tattoo as a way of moving on and celebrating that part of my life. I know I want to do something for Sophie, I’m not sure yet. I know I don’t want to do the traditional hand/footprint tattoo… that’s overused and boring.

And finally, the plans for my LIFE:

1. Seriously, GO TO DISNEYLAND. I am going to try to go when Sophie is a few months old and stay for the weekend. I just want to go SO SO SO bad, I love Disneyland!!!

2. I want to attend Cristina’s bachelorette party in The Vegas in September, so that will be a big goal of mine.

3. Learn to be happy & comfortable with my post-pregnancy body. Yes, I realize I will have the belly stretch marks, along with the already existing ones on my butt, love handles, and inner thighs. Maybe I can try some sort of “firming” treatment, but in the end, they will never go away, and I will have to learn to love them as a part of myself and I will have to learn how to be sexy again.  Or rather, how to feel sexy again. Yes, it will take some time, and a very special man to find a “real” woman sexy. My boobs will probably sag, and the darkening of my aureolas may never go away. I think overall, out of everything, this will be the hardest to cope with… the bodily changes that you CAN’T reverse. But it does help knowing that there are literally millions of other women out there who have “pregnancy battle wounds” and are still loved and considered sexy by their men.

4. And if that doesn’t work, then I will save up for plastic surgery: tummy tuck & a boob lift.

New Rule: Get Naked

Figuratively that is. Although literally may help.

We hear a lot of talk in magazines and online and in TV shows about “vulnerability” and “exposing your soul”. Or maybe I’ve just been watching too much of The Bachelor. But it’s hard to tell what the hell that really means. Does it mean to confess your love on the first date? Does it mean to discuss your every want and need in detail? What does being “open” to love entail?

These are all really good questions, and since I’m not cupid or Chris Harrison I have no clue what the answers are. But I do think that a good analogy is to get naked… On the inside. Think of how vulnerable you feel the first time you take off your clothes with someone new. Even the most confident of people will have the fleeting “what if he doesn’t like my chest” thoughts. Translating this to our feelings and our inside is a bit more difficult than just taking off clothes. Although with an inexperienced man, skinny jeans are a really big challenge.

I think that one part of becoming vulernable and exposing yourself is just going for it. Hitting on someone you are attracted to even if you are scared of failing. I have had plenty of men who aren’t interested in me. ESPECIALLY since I’ve been pregnant. Although lately I’ve broken my own advice by not exposing myself, and not having the confidence to go for it. Pregnancy totally threw off my game! I’ve flirted, joke-flirted, and been friendly with guys, but I haven’t hit on a single guy since I’ve been expecting. And you’d know if I hit on you. In fact, here are the most popular signs that you’ve been hit on by Lizzy:

1. We’re making out right now.

2. We’re vacationing in Mexico with your family only weeks after meeting.

3. We’re in love.

4. Your friends have said they haven’t seen you this way with a girl in a long time.

5. We’re texting about 800 times a day.

6. There is a twitpic of us with the caption “H-O-T”

7. There is a blog about love instead of hating men.

8. We’re living together.

9. We’re engaged.

10. I’ve already moved on to your best friend.

Okay, that last one only happened once. And the rest are so true. Yes, those things have actually happened, and on the occasions they happened, they occurred in under 2 months. Some in under a month. Anyways, the point is, when I hit on men, I’m fairly successful. At getting them at least… keeping them is obviously a different problem. The closest I’ve come to hitting on a guy is emailing him a very provocative question, as a joke. Mostly a joke. But he asked for questions and I decided to go for it. But I didn’t go for it. And that is NOT exposing myself.

I honestly don’t know why I’m so scared. Maybe it’s because I’ve been hurt a lot in the past few years, been let down and dissapointed by men. Maybe it’s because I’m too terrified of my own future to even think about including anyone else in it. Part of me does think I am damaged or defective goods. And when your confidence is at an all time low, it becomes harder to just go for it with men. So you don’t. And men don’t hit on me, so then it just compounds over and over. “I eat because I’m depressed and I’m depressed because I eat”. It’s a vicious cycle!!!

So how do you break out of it? How do I? Well… I guess every day just needs to be a constant conversation to just get naked. Once you’re out there, exposed & vulnerable, who cares what happens next. What’s more important is that you’re doing it and what’s less important is whether or not you actually get the guy. Occasionally I feel silly or dumb that I psuedo-tried to hit on that guy. I should have just gone for it. But I live with no regrets, and it’s a reminder that next time I need to just suit up. I talk so much about “owning it” and “it is what it is” and “who gives a f*ck” yet I fail to follow my own advice. And if it takes feeling dumb or silly to remind you that you need to go further, then laugh at yourself, dust off, and get naked… Fully.