Rule #1

The Rules: Rule #1

Now I don’t like calling them rules, because it denotes I’m playing some sort of game, or suggesting the like. Truth is, 1, dating is sort of a game, and 2, I don’t use these rules to “play” men, but these are just things I do or don’t do that I’ve been successful at. I think, what advice would I give my little sister about men and dating and these are the rules I’ve come up with.

A few weeks ago some girlfriends asked how is it that, in their words, I have “men wrapped around my finger?” . Truth be told I never thought about it that way. I just approach men an dating in a very fearless and confident way and somehow I guess that attracts men. Not always the good ones, mind you, but it works none the less. After a very honest look at myself I did realize I may be the female version of Swarley- Swarla if you will. Only I don’t one night stand guys. Ever. I guess that could be rule #2.

Rule #1 is never to ask for a guy’s number. Ever. Either be direct and give him yours, or play coy and wait for him to ask you for your number. The way I see it, there’s 2 types of guys: those who go after what they want, and those who think maybe you’re too hot for them and are too shy to ask. The first kind of man will be the one who ends the convo with, well can I call you sometime? Then boom, give your digits if you’re interested. The second type, more my type, is the kind you just say: hey, you’re hot, here’s my #, call me sometime. If they call, there you have it. Guys aren’t mysterious. They won’t ask and/or call of they’re not interested. If they don’t call, no big deal, there may be a million reasons, none of which are your fault or problem. Move on.

Last night I realized that literally every guy I’ve dated in a LONG time I’ve hit on first. Almost all of them I offered my number without them asking, and I have a fairly good rate of return. Now I’ve given my number A LOT of times and got nada. Which is fine. He just wasn’t that into me. I’m not for everyone. BFD. For example, I recently messaged my number on FB to a guy I went to highschool with saying to hit me up sometime. I know he’s seen the message since he’s been online since. But he never texted me. And that’s 100% perfectly fine. Because even tho he is hot and I had a big crush on him in highschool, it is what it is, and there are plenty of more men out there for me who are deserving of my time. Like I said before, guys are simple creatures, they like you=they call. He’s just not that into me.

Another reason why I think it is okay to give a guy your number is because people always assume that I get hit on all the time. I DON’T!!! My friends get hit on WAY more than I do. I don’t know why either. Sometimes it bothers me, or hurts my feelings. I try to keep a positive outlook on it. But another guy recently explained to me something I hadn’t thought about before, I thought I’d share it here in case you’re like me and wondering, well I’m kinda cute enough, why don’t guys hit on me??

He said that when he (at least) sees a group of girls, he would never go for the hottest one because he (at least) doesn’t think he is the most attractive guy on the planet (he’s hot), and therefore wouldn’t go for the hot girl, because he assumes he’ll be shut down, and no guy wants to be rejected. So he either goes for the less-than-hot friend, or doesn’t bother talking to them at all. This particular person also said that had I not come on strong and given him MY number, he would have NEVER hit on me EVER. Interesting right? Now I personally don’t think I’m all that amazing. I mean, I’m one of the smartest people I know (LOL, if not THE… JKJK), but I’m okay looking. I’m cute. But maybe I’ll just go on believing this man’s logic to make myself feel better 😀

I guess the point of that story is that if you’re one of those girls who NEVER gets hit on, maybe you’re too intimidating, like I’ve been told I am. So women, step up and go after what you want. But if you do, and he doesn’t call, don’t go crazy with the stalking. LOL. A guy WILL contact you if he wants to. If not, you’ll just become the creepy FB stalker girl to all his other friends.

Will men ever grow up?

I don’t understand why, even years after I discovered this phenomenon, men still aren’t required to grow up and become responsible. Our society has done such a good job babying our boys that when a man does shirk his responsibility in something it is cast off as normal, typical, and don’t worry about it. Yet women, on the other hand, are forced often times to be the one’s dealing with the responsibilities. Take getting pregnant for example. Recently I have gotten pregnant, and to date we’ve known about it for 2 months now. 2 out of 9 months is no longer considered “new” news. 2 weeks after finding out, sure, that’s new. But since finding out, my baby had grown from a ball of cells to an actual baby with organs and blood cells and ovaries and fingerprints. That’s a pretty big development. Yet men still aren’t required to grow up and be a part of the pregnancy. I’ve read that a woman becomes a parent as soon as she finds out she is pregnant, but for a man, it becomes real at birth. Does that mean that the 9 months of pregnancy are free reign for the men but are jail for the women? That’s a load of crap! Both parties participated in making the baby, and should participate in growing the thing. I’m the one doing all the heavy lifting, sacrificing everything from my body to my lifestyle to even fun activities while the man has to sacrifice nothing? And on top of that bitches when you ask him to do more than his fair share of household duties and chores?!?! Where do men get off?! And during all their bitching about having to do more, they are barely there physically, let alone there at all emotionally. You think men would be interesting in the creating and growing of their child. Afterall they are interested in every aspect of their hobbies, from making sure they have all the gear to bike ride, playing thousands of rounds of a video game to beat a level, and staying involved in their friends’ lives. Yet their own baby they could care less about? Men don’t read pregnancy books, instead choosing to spend hours playing call of duty. It’s a rare man who wants to encapsulate your pregnancy as much as you and your girlfriends do. The man who takes the profile belly pictures every week and posts them on HIS facebook page. The man who tears up during the ultrasound. The man who beems with love and excitement when talking about his creating to friends and family. The man who can’t keep his hands off your belly and makes you keep your feet up while he brings you another round of ice cream and pickles. That man is almost a myth, only to be heard of by a few and a real existence to even less than that. You type into google “how can I encourage my partner to be more interested or involved with our baby” and message board after message board pop up with countless pregnant women, just dying of isolation and lonliness because their men are abondening them emotionally, and some physically, during what is the most important yet toughest time in a woman’s life.

On top of all of that, woman are burdened the most with being “blamed” for being pregnant. It seems that if a woman is excited about a surprise pregnancy, that means she caused it, or forced it, to trap the guy and fulfill her lifelong desire to be with child. Suddenly because one gender is stuck with growing the baby, that gender becomes solely responsible. It’s forgotten by friends and family, of both sides, that the man chose to not participate in birth control just as much as the woman did. As far as I’m concerned, how do I know that the man didn’t want to purposely impregnate me to trap me?? (Chappelle Show: Gotcha Bitch!). But that could never be, men can’t be excited about a surprise pregnancy. And it’s even worse if they don’t want the baby. Maybe men will never understand what it is like exactly to have an abortion. Maybe that’s just the way it is. Even so, to ask a woman to do that, when he is just as much responsible for the consequence as she is, to ask a woman to invade her body and her physche in the awful way that abortions do… it’s unspeakable. Unfortunately the refusal of a woman to abort her fetus becomes even more proof that she planned this and tricked him. Friends start asking “why isn’t she aborting it?” Which, by the way, I don’t ever see how someone who isn’t the mother or father of the child ask that question. Abortion is maybe the most personal choice a woman will ever have to make. It’s personal in that it belongs to her and her only. To suggest that a woman get an abortion, especially if that person isn’t the father, is unfathomable. It would be akin to asking a woman with breast cancer why she isn’t having a mastectomy. Or worse, stating that she should or else… Because what people are essentially saying when they recommend that you abort is that you’re not fit to have a child. Whether it be emotionally, financially, or whatever, their opinion of you becomes clear. What if someone had said that to your mother? How would it feel to know that people wanted you dead, not in this world? How would it feel to know that for 9 months you were being created one of your parents and some of their friends and family not only thought you were a HUGE mistake, but didn’t want you, and wanted to kill you off, and refused to get close to you because you were a manipulation tool instead of a growing baby? It’s pretty awful when you look at with YOU as the perspective.

A friend of mine recently told me that if the man is not ready for it, then he’s allowed to be terrified, and off the hook for his part in situation. That just because I have stepped up to the plate and am ready (hell, as a pregnant woman you really don’t have a choice. You’re forced from the moment the plus sign arrives to change and deal) doesn’t mean he is and thus he receives some sort of hall pass to maturity. My response to that was I guess a man shirking his responsibility in creating a child is totally normal and acceptable. Cool. I guess that means it will be acceptable for the man to bail on 4 am feedings and taking care of the actual baby because he is scared then too huh? I guess it’s completely acceptable and normal for men to walk out on their children. Hell, it does happen all the time right? I was told by my counselor when I first realized I was pregnant that this is a decision I will have to live with, regardless of if the father stays involved or not. It sucks that life set it out to be that way, it truly does. And it sucks even more that society has made it an acceptable decision. Men should be scolded by their other male friends for ditching their pregnant partners at home puking while their out boozing, not rewarded for it. More and more our males encourage eachother to do the immoral action, the one that makes them less of a man and more of a man-boy. I always thought the man of my dreams would quit drinking and partying like crazy when I got pregnant. Not because I couldn’t drink, but to share in the bond that is pregnancy. As a gesture for him to say to his partner, “I know I’m not doing as much as you in carrying this child, but I’m gonna try.” Yet most men, if asked to quit drinking, would think of it as a punishment, not an opportunity to bond. Long gone are the days where men tell another man when he isn’t stepping up to the plate as a husband, partner, or father. And now are the times where men get together to bash their significant others, misplace blame, and seek reinforcement to not grow up.

It’s a sad but true reality. And worst of all, it comes at a time when we women need the most support, and a man to lean on. Glad he was there for the fun part, wish he was here for the real part.